Survivor!
by Shane Hennesey

The holidays are not the ideal time to come out, darling, and other season’s sanity tips from Ethel

Ack, it’s holiday season again and I’m hit up for the usual holiday survival article. So I turn to the alter ego that I talk to when I’m writing and I ask, "Ethel, when did the holidays become something we need to survive? It’s starting to sound like the old nuclear survival films of the ’50s." Ethel just looks at me with her quizzical look that says tell me more, and which always inspires me to write.

There doesn’t seem to be much middle ground on the holiday issue. Folks seem to either love ’em or hate ’em. They started off as set times for honor and remembrance of natural cycles or momentous events. Christianity came through and kept the honor and remembrance part but changed who and what we honored and remembered. Now, the cold eye of consumerism has taken the heart out of even this, and left us with garland and holly berries in Foley’s starting in September. Where’s the heart now, Ethel?

Generally speaking, the holidays are times that, us being uniquely human creations, ask us to connect to other humans ... particularly those who we are closest to (the default setting being your family members). They tend to be a celebration of what IS rather than one of CHANGE. OK, OK, so now we stir up another can of worms.... "What," says Ethel, "about painful family connections? Why put yourself in the place of celebrating pain?!" Oh dear, it just gets stickier. "Yeah, and don’t forget all those times when they hound you about when you’re going to get married, and you can’t tell them you already are ... to a person of the same sex." Jeesh. I’m remembering, now, why we "survive" the holidays.

Ethel, let’s focus more on the solution than on the problem. Since it’s front and center anyway, let’s tackle some family stuff first. Remember, you only have to live by their rules when you’re living under their roof. And it is not necessary to spend time with people who hurt you or do not respect you. If they experience discomfort over you being gone, it may be a natural consequence of their bad attitudes. Also remember that the holidays are not a celebration of change, so it’s not the time to be coming out of the closet or trying to get mom to change her world view. If you do find yourself sucked into the black hole of family dysfunction, find a way to limit your time with them (four hours with the parents may be better than four days). Or get everyone involved in a larger project like adopting a family, being holiday angels for needy children, or working a soup kitchen/food bank, etc. Also, if the family is too hurtful, too far away, or deceased, remember your family of choice. You often spend more time and emotional investment with them anyway. Rally your friends who are in the same predicament and do your own thing.

Now back to the consumer/media demon ... I mean issue. They have taken a smattering of tradition, mixed in a healthy dose of modern marketing, and once again created another image (like Ken and Barbie) that is impossible to live up to. Parents aside, just seeing how much we are not like Martha or how we can’t afford the latest gadget, dress, car, etc. is all enough to make us blue rather than red, gold, and green. Don’t buy into all that. (Ethel, can you believe that I'm bashing commerce, and I just used the phrase "buy into"? She just rolls her eyes.) Have you ever thought of giving away a gift of coupons that you create? Upon each one you put an action you are willing to commit to (e.g., I’ll clean your house, I’ll take you out to eat, I’ll cheer you up when you’re down, I’ll tease your wig and do your makeup, etc.). I’m going to give you some guidance from a poem called "The Invitation" by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it’s not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence. Look deeper than the images you are being sold to see if maybe a gift of time and caring might be more appropriate than a new watch or sweater. Ethel looks a little dubious about this, but I'm not paying attention to her. Don't buy into the hype, Ethel!

More than anything from an obligatory holiday survival guide, I want you to take away from this the notion that at the core, the holidays are about heart, and heart cannot be limited by tradition (family or otherwise). So listen to it with your inner ear, and if it does not call you to be within the bounds of tradition, I offer you one more line from "The Invitation": I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

Oh my, Ethel is dancing with wildness and ecstasy in her Mrs. Claus pumps and her red negligée. I think I have to go now and corral her in the interest of public safety.

Some Holiday Tips

• Limit time with yucky people if you have to see them at all.

• Don’t make this the perfect opportunity to come out to all the family at once.

• Abandon alcohol and other sugars (you’ll be moody enough already).

• Budget your spending ahead of time (just like "don’t grocery shop when you’re hungry").

• Spend time with people you like.

• Help others (especially those that might be down).

• Put all the girls in the car and go look at decorated houses.

• Stage a Christmas drag show for the best Santa and Mrs. Claus.

• Don’t miss therapy appointments.

Shane Hennesey is a psychologist working in Houston who specializes in psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, and Reiki. He can be reached at ethan@pdq.net.