LeftOut

by Daryl Moore

TALK THE TALK

Rush Limbaugh is a big fat drug addict

What a rush for liberals! Finding out that Rush Limbaugh is a big fat drug addict is like catching Karl Rove at a leather bar, getting bitch-slapped by John Ashcroft, and learning that both of them liked it.

After all these years of hearing that pious bastard rail on addicts for being weak and for refusing to take responsibility for themselves, we find out that the mouthpiece of the virtuous right—Rush Limbaugh—is powerless over “Hillbilly heroin.” How appropriate.

At this very moment, Rush is somewhere in a Dogpatch treatment center, sitting in a room full of fellow addicts, detoxing and wondering, “Dude, where’s my talk show?”

I think I’ll send Rush some reading materials. He should have plenty of time to read in rehab, and he should be able to get through quite a few books in 28 days. Maybe Valley of the Dolls, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, and Postcards from the Edge would be inspirational.

Or maybe he can’t read yet. Maybe he’s still floating around his $5,000/day room, in Versace pajamas, tripping the lights fantastic.

What are Rush Limbaugh’s hallucinations like anyway? Are they pleasant? Like Vaseline-lensed visions of Nancy Reagan comforting him and telling him to “Just Say No” while Barbara Bush kisses him on the cheek and gently tucks him into his goose-down bed?

Or are they horrible? Does he visualize Janet Reno alligator-wrestling him to the floor while Nurse Hillary moves in with a cold-coffee enema for Barney Frank to stick in?

Who participates in Rush’s group therapy? Is there any diversity, or is it just a bunch of rich white people sitting around in a circle trying to preempt public humiliation by claiming they’re addicted to whatever.

“Hi, my name is Rush. I’m powerless over Oxy80.”

“Hi, I’m Dick Cheney. I’m powerless over Halliburton stock options.”

“Hi, my name is Rick Perry. I’m powerless over hairspray, and this is my friend, Orlando Sanchez. He’s powerless over base makeup and eyeliner.”

“Hi, I’m Tom DeLay. I’m powerless over bug spray.”

And so on.

It’s hard to imagine Rush acknowledging that he’s not perfect—that he has some flaw, some weakness, which is essential in every 12-step program. Can you really hear Rush working any of the steps and saying:

“I believe in a power greater than myself.”

“I acknowledge my shortcomings and humbly ask God to remove them.”

“I have made a list of all the persons I have harmed, and I am willing to make amends to all of them.”

“I have made a personal inventory and, when I was wrong, I promptly admitted it.”

Indeed, it’s hard to imagine Rush Limbaugh with any humility at all. Does he remember all the times he denigrated addicts as “weak people” who simply refused to exercise any self-control? Does he remember saying that “if people are violating the law by doing drugs, they ought to be accused and they ought to be convicted and they ought to be sent up”?

And, if he does, will he give himself up to John Ashcroft when he is discharged? Doubtful, since he hired Roy Black—who defended the Kennedy cousin of the Florida rape charge—to represent him. It sure seems like a waste of money to hire a good lawyer just to admit you’re guilty and take your lumps.

Sarcasm aside, I wish Rush would recover. I wish he would kick his Oxy habit. I wish he would learn the hard way that the weak need a hand up, not a hand out. And I wish he would share his newfound humility with his 30 million listeners when he returns to talk radio.

Hi. I’m Daryl. I’m powerless over wishful thinking.

Writing from the liberal end of the spectrum, Houston attorney Daryl Moore has a general practice and is board certified in civil and appellate law.

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