Lonely Old Queen? I Think Not!
Some tools to help in the journey of gay aging
by Hal Kooden

from Golden Men: The Power of Gay Midlife

Dr. Harold (Hal) Kooden has written a compelling book about the challenges gay men face at midlife-Golden Men: The Power of Gay Midlife. At the behest of John Kellett, Dr. Kooden is coming to Houston and will speak about his book, Monday, November 13, 7 p.m., at the Lesbian and Gay Community Center, followed by questions and discussion, which are expected to be lively.

Since aging is a state of the body, mind, and soul, the changes we face as we grow older are behavioral, mental, and emotional. Aging well is work, a process that takes doing and that takes time. While recognizing a gay man is vulnerable to early social forces as well as the influence of family and peers, I make a central assumption that a gay man is the central agent in developing his identity, and he continues his self-creation over the course of his lifetime.

These tasks overlap and do not adhere to any strict timeline: Some of them may happen in a sequence or all at once. Life is never clean and tidy, and midlife can be an especially messy time. I begin by focusing on the body because our sexuality is at the core of our identity, as well as the source of much gay male anxiety around aging. From issues of physical well-being, I move into behaviors of the mind and heart: how we define our work and our play, what is the nature of our relationships. Careers and relationships are two areas most affected by changes at midlife, and abrupt transitions in these areas are the hallmarks of the so-called "midlife crisis," which will be discussed in depth. The final leg of the journey concerns issues of the spirit: our values, the principles by which we live, our sense of mortality, and our growing desire for spirituality. The journey begins in the root of the body and ends with the full flowering of our soul.

Exercises are woven throughout each chapter, and will focus and direct you through the shifts in perception and attitude that will bring about your successful aging. Ideally, you will want to keep a journal to write down your thoughts and whatever feelings come up during this process. It is also my hope that these exercises will encourage you to seek out your peers and begin a dialogue about aging. Perhaps you can advertise on a local bulletin board or online service to start a discussion group about gay aging. The more that groups of gay men can talk about these issues, the more successfully our community will age as a whole.

1. When did you start considering yourself a middle-aged gay man and how did you feel about it? Maybe you don't feel middle-aged, but everybody says that you are since you turned 40 or 50. How does that label feel? Try to describe your true feelings, rather than what you think you "should" feel. Keep it about feelings, not about rationalizations or complicated arguments. What are you feeling? What is in your gut? What is in your heart?

2. What are the positive and negative issues about your aging? Make a list-quick as a reflex-of the positive and negative associations you have around aging, both your own and generally. For example: not as much energy; financial stability; not as much sex; a lover; not enough fun; retirement. And so on. Put down as many items as you can, and don't hold back on the negativity-naming the negatives is the first step in putting them into perspective. Making this list will give you a base-line from which to assess your progress toward successful aging.

Working through these exercises, listening to your fears as well as your fantasies, talking about these concepts, absorbing new information, sharing experiences with your friends-are all parts of this journey. This process will work if undertaken alone, but doing this work in a group could deepen friendships or develop new ones from a gathering of gay men. The more we discuss these issues, the less our fears will persist around aging. There is no right or wrong way to approach these exercises or the larger tasks at hand; there is only the failure of passivity.

Golden Men: A New Generation

Ageism devalues us the same way that homophobia does, and many gay men are fed up with it. Unless we begin to tap into the power we have to age well, the antagonism, defensiveness, and cruelty between the different generations in our community will destroy us.

As with any revolution, change begins with one person refusing to participate in the status quo. The basis of my faith in gay men comes from the fact that we have already refused to protect the status quo once-when we came out as gay men-and I know we can do it again. By targeting ageism the way we did homophobia, we can dismantle the stereotype of the "lonely old queen" and begin the new millennium with a new generation of gay men: Golden Men. It's as if we were alchemists transforming the leaden dross of our fears and stereotypes into the gold of a good life.

The transformation is possible. Aging is inevitable. But thriving is a choice.