GenerationOut

by H.A.T.C.H. writer Andy,* age 18

TWO WOMEN
One looks back on military life, one anticipates

Anna
I find Anna sitting in the coffee shop, silent and attentive. Her modest clothing does little to hide that she has been searching for something, too. There is an honesty about her persona that lets people know that she is just as welcoming as the next person. Yet something else in her eyes communicates a rougher life lived.

After talking with her for a while, I learn about her former employment. “I had eight years of service in the army,” she tells me. I have to ask her why she chose the military. I’m curious why a woman, a lesbian, would choose to enter such an atmosphere. “I decided to go to pay my medical bills,” she says. While I am dismayed at first by this comment—devoid of the feminism that I am looking for—I later become encouraged by it. For Anna is just like the rest of us, after all.

Miss Anna, as she is called around here, always wanted to go into the military. “From ’85 to ’89 I was in high school ROTC … so I was brought up basically in the military.” She thinks back for a moment before going on. “I never thought [about] what the military was going to be like. I thought it was going to be … just like high school.”

She tells me about the fears she had of being outed, and how the military didn’t change at all during the Clinton administration. She tells me about the bad relationships she had with most of the military personnel; how women were cautious of her and men were wanting of her; and how she could find no special connection with other lesbian or gay soldiers. She also tells me of the few good relationships she had with high-ranking officers and how accomplished she felt when she was able to put her skills to use where they were needed.

“I left because my time was up,” Miss Anna says. “And I was already depressed as it was.... I could not live like straight people could live. I could not get married to a girlfriend. I could not have a woman in my room without people thinking that something was going on. I felt watched, constantly.”

I ask if the military had fulfilled any of her searching in life. “Oh, no. Not at all.” She adds: “I don’t know what I was looking for when I went into the military. I just wanted to get away from my home at the time ... I’m looking for love actually.”

Trish
Trish [not her actual name] is dressed in her usual attire. She has on a dark tank top and multi-pocketed khakis. I don’t have to ask what she intends to do in the future, but I do anyway for formality. “Four years active duty in the military,” she says. “I’m actually going there for the education and so I can save up for the college of my choice afterwards.” She also relates that she is going for the challenge.

Trish is 18 and very much the tomboy. I ask her if she was out growing up or not. “I was not out until I was 16.“ She tells me of how she came out to her mother by letting her read a slip of paper explaining it. “Only the close family knows…. Basically everyone at school knew. They knew before I had a word for it. I knew what gay was, but I was never really connecting with the word.”

I wonder if she feels set apart from her peers because of her decision to join the military. “Nope,” she replies. “[It’s] just one of those casual ‘What are you going to do’ jobs.”

I wonder a little about a person who sees the military as a casual occupation. Trish has a personality that reminds me of a butched-up version of Chris Tucker. And yet just below her veneer is another 18-year-old who is seriously thinking about how to sail off into the world.
“How do you feel about combat?” I ask.

“Well, they train you for combat, meaning anything can happen. They tell you that women don’t fight, but your job may mean that…. If I had no choice, I would fight.”

I ask Trish about the fears she has about the military, and we talk about the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy. Although she’s eager for the possibility of meeting other lesbian or gay personnel in the military, the fear of a dishonorable discharge lingers in her mind. As we talk about her future, I discover that a lot of her fears aren’t so different from those of our peers. The fear of failure, mostly.

“So what are you looking for in life?” I end with.

“I don’t know…. What I like in life. I know I’m a lesbian and all, but ... I feel like I’m searching for who I am.” I ask Trish if she thinks she’ll find it in the military. “Probably not.” We share a laugh. “It’s one of those ‘You can’t turn back now’ things.”

Some of the young writers involved with H.A.T.C.H. now contribute a regular column to this magazine. The phone number for the Houston Area Teen Coalition of Homosexuals is 713/529-3590.

* Because of the age of the writers and the need many have for confidentiality, OutSmart will identify most H.A.T.C.H. contributors by first names only.

If you have any comments about this article, please email them to letters@outsmartmagazine.com.