The Other Gayest and Greatest
by D.L. Murphy

OK, by now you've read all about the good things in life here in Houston. However, these "best of" columns always leave out the things I, and I bet you, really need to know. What follows below, beloved reader, is my list.

Best ways to waste free time.
• Watch cartoon reruns.
• Gossip with your boy friends. Your gender is unimportant here, what matters is that your partner in this endeavor is in a truly nelly mood.
• Sit in the bar and dream about that god/dess across the way and never actually do anything like offer to buy them a drink.

Best ways to avoid exercise.
• Buy exercise equipment and never use it. Then you can rationalize not going to the gym with your friends by saying, "But I've got all the equipment at home."
• Tell yourself you are so busy that your life constitutes exercise.
• Ingest enough alkaloids (caffeine, nicotine, chocolate, etc.) that your heart races and you pant. After all, those exercise books tell you that the point of exercise is to increase your heart rate.

Best ways to justify not cleaning the house.
• I would have to waste valuable time that could otherwise be spent serving my community ("serving" being a very vague verb here).
• I am not my mother.
• I can't dust, the leaf blower is broken, and I'm out of duct tape.

Best lies to tell your lover about why you are late coming home.
• You know my boss is a bitch. I had to work late.
• You know the car is falling apart around us. I had to change a flat tire. • I was buying you a present, but couldn't find the one perfect item that properly expresses my regard for you.

Best reasons for being celibate
• You have time and energy to pursue your spiritual goals.
• You do not have to put up with all that dating shit.
• You suddenly become way more attractive to potential bed partners.

Best reasons for being a slut
• You get to have hot, wild sex with lots of hunky folks.
• You get to be the envy of all your friends (they will deny it).
• You never have time to clean the house.

Best reasons for being vegetarian
• You get to be more politically correct than the next guy.
• Your grocery bill is reduced.
• No one ever asks you to host dinners for "the gang."

Best reasons for watching pro football
• It allows you to bond with other butches.
• It pisses your girlfriend/boyfriend off.
• You get to watch all of that gay sex on network TV. (Check out where those men's hands go, folks.)

Best reasons for owning a dog
• They are loyal, faithful companions.
• You get exercise when you walk the dog.
• They are great flirting tools.

Best reasons for owning a cat
• All lesbians have cats.
• Cats require limited care.
• They are not dogs.

Best reasons to vacation at home
• You have the opportunity to really get to know the best of your city.
• You get to catch up on all those pesky home chores.
• You are too lazy to pack.

Best reasons to go to the hardware store
• You get great ideas for improving your home.
• You get expert advice on finishing that troublesome task.
• You can cruise the other patrons.

Best reasons to be friends with a man (if you're a woman)
• You have someone to shop with.
• You have someone to play "oh, ain't she awful" with.
• You get great fashion and home dÈcor advice.

Best reasons to be friends with a woman (if you're a man)
• You get to spruce them up.
• They can fix things when they break.
• You can pretend you are in touch with woman's issues.

Best reasons for watching The Simpsons
• Lisa is your alter ego.
• Bart is your alter ego.
• Waylon Smithers is your alter ego.

Best reasons to go to Galveston
• You get to go to the beach.
• You get to party in a different bar.
• You are too cheap to go to Florida.

Best reasons to donate to the Houston Lesbian & Gay Community Center (Editor's note: D.L. Murphy's spouse is the president of the community center...although that in no way diminishes the fact that the community center is a great place to donate to)
• It provides "our queer home in Houston."
• It supports the GLBT community.
• They don't make you come to any function to do it.

Well, by now, I'm sure that my editor wants me to quit before I piss off our entire readership. Remember, life is good, so laugh a little.