SEPTEMBER CALENDAR

Daily (Mon.–Fri.)

HIV Testing. HCHD Thomas Street Clinic is offering HIV testing free to the public, 9 am–1 pm. There is no need to establish eligibility ("gold-card"), no donation will be asked of the person seeking testing, and the test is free. Thomas Street Clinic, 2015 Thomas, 713/873-4157 or 713/873-4026.

Daily (Mon.–Sat.)

HIV Testing. The Montrose Clinic offers free confidential HIV testing at these locations. Monday: Bricks, 617 Fairview, 4–8 pm; O, 710 Pacific, 9 pm–1 am. Tuesday: The 611, 611 Hyde Park, 4–8 pm; Club Houston, 2205 Fannin, 8 pm–midnite. Wednesday: Mary's, 1100 Westheimer, 4–8 pm; Ripcord, 715 Fairview, 9 pm–1 am; EJ’s, 2517 Ralph, 10 pm–1 am; Midtowne Spa, 3100 Fannin, 10 pm–1 am. Thursday: All-Star News, 3415 Katy Frwy, 4–8 pm; BRB, 2400 Brazos, 8 pm–midnite; Cousins, 817 Fairview, 8 pm–midnite. Friday: EJ’s, 2517 Ralph, 10 pm–1 am; Midtowne Spa, 3100 Fannin, 10 pm–1 am; The Meatrack, 2915 San Jacinto, 10 pm–2 am; Rich’s, 2401 San Jacinto, 10 pm–1 am. The clinic offers classes for those newly diagnosed with HIV or Hepatitis C. For more info: 713/830-3000.

5–7 (Fri.–Sun.)

Tibetan Medicine. Dr. Barry Clark studied under Dr. Yeshe Donden, personal physician to the Dalai Lama, and is the only Westerner to master the complete Tibetan medical system. On Friday he speaks on Tibetan medicine; Saturday and Sunday is his diet and nutrition workshop. Free. At the Shaolin Boxing Academy, 901 Richmond Ave., Suite 100. More info: 713/526-0044 or www.drbarryclark.com.

10 (Wed.)

Stomp. DiverseWorks kicks off the downtown visual arts season with its 5th annual Downtown Stomp Around, a see-and-be-seen tour of six downtown art galleries. With free transportation and parking available at every stop, the junket includes visits to Vine Street Studios, ArtScan/Rudolph Projects, O’Kane Gallery, Inman Gallery, Joan Wich & Co., and, of course, DiverseWorks. 6–9 pm at DiverseWorks, 1117 East Fwy off N. Main at Naylor. For info: 713-223-8346 or www.diverseworks.org.

12–14 (Fri.–Sun.)

If Ever So Humble. The Houston Home Show offers thousands of products, services, and ideas for the home and garden. How-to seminars, cooking shows from local restaurants including Sambuca and McCormick & Schmick’s, appearances from local radio personalities, and gobs of discounts make the Home Show a good value for your DIY dollar. $7.50 adults (children under 12 free), buy-one-get-one-free for senior citizens on Friday only. Fri. 2–8 pm, Sat. 10 am–8 pm, Sun. 11 am–6 pm at the George R. Brown Convention Center, Hall A. Info: 1-800-654-1480 or www.HoustonHomeShow.com.

13 (Sat.)

Toxic Waste. Are toxins impairing your health? Well, we do live in Houston. While there’s little we can do immedi-ately to fight pollution, we can make healthy food, drink, and life choices to improve and detoxify our health. This seminar led by Nellie Grose, MD, Richard Boye, CND, and Eric Grose, Lac, can show you how. $25. 9:30 am–noon (registration 9 am), at the Aegis Building, 230 Wescott. Info: 713/660-6620.

13 (Sat.)

A Little Italy. Let the Houston Symphony take you on a trip through sonic Italian wonderment, from Ottorino Respighi’s Fountains of Rome and Roman Festivals to the sounds of Bottesini played by violinist Robert McDuffie and bassist Timothy Pitts. 7:30 pm at Jones Hall, 615 Louisiana. For info: 713-344-5617 or www.houstonsymphony.org.

19 (Fri.)

Real Funny. Improvisational comedy troupe ComedySportz presents its tribute to reality TV. In this audience-interactive match between two teams of improv comics, no one knows who will be the Last Comic Standing. $10. 8 pm at Lambert Hall, 1703 Heights Blvd. @ 17th St. For tickets: 713/868-1444.

20 (Sat.)

Serve’s Up. Pack your sunscreen and inflate those balls. The Lone Star Volleyball Association hosts its next annual beach party in Galveston at Pirate’s Cove. For more information: beachparty@lsva.org.

22 (Mon.)

Story Time. Being a kid has its benefits. People read to you and give you candy. But what about when you’re a grown-up? One of the most highly regarded literary programs in the country. Inprint brings Pulitzer Prize-winner Jhumpa Lahiri to the Alley Theatre to read from her new novel, The Namesake, a multi-generational story of a Bengali family in the U.S. An on-stage interview and book sale and signing follows the reading. Now if only she had some candy... $5 (free for students and seniors). 7:30 pm (doors open at 6:45 pm) at the Alley Theatre, 615 Texas Ave. For tickets and information, call 713/521-2026 or visit www.inprint-inc.org.

24...

Several Dancers Core. Several Dancers Core and Houston Community College Central dance depart-ment, in conjunction with The Field, a New York-based artist service organization, present the Fall 2003 session of Fieldwork, a 10-week series of dance works-in-progress with artist feedback sessions. Each 10-week session culminates in a performance of the work devel-oped by the group (this one being Nov. 23 at HCC Central). $50. 7–9 pm in Studio A at 3517 Austin on the Houston Community College central campus, beginning Sept. 24. For info, call 713/862-5530 or send an e-mail to sdcinfo@mindspring.com.

26–28 (Fri.–Sun.)

L’shanah Tovah, a year of strength and belonging, is something we all pray for, whether we’re observing Rosh Hashanah or not. Join Cantor Diane Dorf and Houston Reconstructionist Havurah (HRH) for High Holy Services. HRH is an 18-year-old Jewish community that blends Old World traditions with progressive ideas. Join them also for Kol Nidre and Yom Kippur, October 5 & 6, with a vegetarian break-fast on the 6th. $125. At the JCC Merfish Center, 9000 South Rice Blvd. For tickets: 713/728-5050.

27 (Sat.)

Screen Tests. From New York’s Museum of Modern Art comes this collection of “portrait films” shot by Andy Warhol at his studio, The Factory. Warhol shot visitors to his studio, both famous and lesser-known, with a stationary camera, manipulating light and shadow and then stipulated they be projected at a slow speed, causing an unusual fluidity of pace. Portraits include Salvador Dali, Dennis Hopper, and Houston’s own Francois de Menil. 7 pm at the Museum of Fine Arts. For information: 713/639-7515 or www.mfah.org.

PLANNING AHEAD FOR OCTOBER

October 3 & 4 (Fri. & Sat.)

Sarah Irwin, an Austin-based choreographer, premieres her works All the Best, Conversation with Dog, and Vanish to the world at D-Werx, creating a sensuous world inhabited by a nomadic community whose movements reveal passion, puzzlement, and pleasure. $15 ($10 for members). 8 pm at DiverseWorks Theater and Docks at 1117 East Fwy off N. Main at Naylor. Tickets/info: 713/223-8346 or www.diverseworks.org.

October 4 (Sat.)

A Day in Mexico, 1764. The Mercury Baroque Ensemble continues its aural tour through time and space with this festival of 18th-century vocal and instrumental music played in Mexico City’s churches, streets, taverns, and homes. 7:30 pm at the Hobby Center’s Zilkha Hall. For tickets and information: 713/315-2525 or www.MercuryBaroqueEnsemble.org.

October 4 (Sat.)

Meet the Masters celebrates encounters between music and art. Visually, works on display at the Museum of Fine Arts, Houston, are projected on stage. Artists include Picasso, Gauguin, and Matisse. Sonically, the masterpieces of Haydn, Ravel, and Joan Towers performed by a stellar ensemble of chamber musicians. $20, $30, and $35 (50% off for seniors and students with valid ID). 7:30 pm at Cullen Theater in the Wortham Theater Center, 500 Texas at Smith. For tickets: 713/524-5050 or www.dacamera.com.

October 4 & 5 (Sat. & Sun.)

Paul Anka, the “Sultan of Scmaltz” as some critics have proclaimed him, kicks off the Grand 1894 Opera House’s 2003–2004 season with such famous croons as “Put Your Head on My Shoulder,” and “Puppy Love.” 8 pm Saturday and 3 pm Sunday at Galveston’s Grand 1894 Opera House, 2020 Postoffice St. For tickets: 409/763-7173 or 1-800-821-1894 or www.thegrand.com.

October 4–November 16

Ren Fest. The 29th annual Texas Annual Renaissance Festival is a celebrated way to enjoy turkey legs and sausage-on-a-stick, drink pricey domestic beer, ogle explosive cleavage, and learn a smidgeon about life during the Age of Enlightenment. $21 for adults, $10 for children, free for children 4 and under. Tickets and information: 1-800-458-3435 or www.texrenfest.com.

October 5 (Sun.)

Heights Festival. Themed “Art in the Heights,” this year’s festival offers multiple entertainment stages, over 200 booths selling antiques, arts, crafts, food, and more, and a children’s area with games and events. Free. Noon–6 pm on Heights Blvd. between 14th and 20th streets. For more information: 713/861-4002 or www.houstonheights.org.

October 9 (Thu.)

Menopause. Such a scary word, but it doesn’t have to be. Nellie Grose, MD, teaches how to move through menopause and maintain a healthy meaningful life. $40 ($35 if paid by Sept. 26). 6–9 pm, with registration at 5:30 pm at T-Salta…At Last An Urban Spa at 34 S. Wynden Ln. For more information: 713/660-6620.

October 10 (Fri.)

Sherlock Holmes. Elementary, dear theater-goer. The only stage version of the famed detective/morphine addict authorized by his creator, Sherlock Holmes was first produced in 1899. This classic pits Holmes and Dr. Watson against their greatest adversary of all, Professor Moriarty. With sets designed by Vince Mountain (Jeckyll & Hyde), there’s plenty of visual allure as well. Runs through November 2 at The Alley Theatre. Tickets and information: 713-228-8421 or www.alleytheatre.org.

October 10 & 11 (Fri. & Sat.)

The Beach Is Alive with The Sound of Music. The beloved musical with its famed melodies “Do Re Mi,” “My Favorite Things,” and others hit the Gulf Coast for two days only. 8 pm Friday and Saturday and 3 pm Saturday matinee at the Grand 1894 Opera House, Galveston, 2020 Postoffice St. For tickets: 409/763-7173 or 1-800-821-1894 or www.thegrand.com.

October 10–12

Desert Hearts Women’s Festival. Join more than a hundred women who gather in the woods of a beautiful and secluded women’s ranch in the Texas Hill Country. Desert Hearts Cowgirl Club is located 50 miles NW of San Antonio between Kerrville and Bandera. Pick your campsite along shady creek or on the sunny ridge. It is primitive camping with clean port-a-potties and fun festi-showers. Stay by your cozy campfire or come down to the stage for live entertain-ment, including Nancy Scott, Audio Jamz, The Gibson Sister Band, Laura Freeman, Karressa Kayous, and more. Buy and sell at the flea market or catch the action at the lesbolympics. Plus horseshoes, bocce ball, volleyball, and a fun-filled scavenger hunt are yours to enjoy. Desert Hearts Women’s Festival is to be a place where you are free to be yourselves. Tickets $55 by September 15; $65 cash at the gate on October 10. Four-meal ticket (in advance) $15 good food, Fri. and Sat. evening, Sat. and Sun. morning. Mail checks along with names and addresses to: 10101 ST Hwy 173 N, Bandera, TX 78003. More info: 830/796-7001, beaux2@indian-creek.net, or http://members.aol.com/cowgirlj.

PERFORMING ARTS

• Anti-Logical Pedagogical. DiverseWorks resident Christa Forster portrays a teacher, the students, and administrators in a so-called normal day. In this one-woman show, Forster draws from her 15 years of teaching experience to suggest that there’s a link between traditional methods of teaching in the U.S. and learning disabilities such as Attention Deficit Disorder. $15, $10 for members. Friday, September 12 & Saturday, September 13, 8 pm at DiverseWorks, 1117 East Fwy, off N. Main at Naylor. For tickets: 713/223-8346 or www.diverseworks.org.

• ¡Cantinflas! Directed by Max Ferra, Herbert Siguenza’s story is a tribute to the late Mario Moreno, known to adoring fans as the “Charlie Chaplin of Mexico.” A hilarious physical comic, Cantinflas performed in over 50 films. Performed in both Spanish and English, the play incorporates interviews conducted by the Spanish-language press to illustrate the depth of his genius of this treasured cultural icon. $25. September 23–October 5, 7:30 pm (select weekend matinees at 2:30 pm) at the Alley Theatre’s Neuhaus Stage, 615 Texas Ave. Tickets: 713/228-8421 or www.alleytheatre.org.

• The Graduate. Mrs. Hall, are you trying to seduce us? Jerry Hall plays Mrs. Robinson in this staged version of the cult novel that became a Hollywood film that set the stage for a generation. September 23–October 5 @ The Hobby Center. For tickets, call Ticketmaster 713/629-3700 or www.ticketmaster.com.

• Jerry’s World. Infernal Bridegroom Productions’ new associate artistic director Troy Schulze adapts radio programs from cult icon Joe Frank for this provocative new play. The story begins with phone conversations between Jerry and a slew of folk, including a lover who spends time in and out of halfway houses, a brother who may have cancer (he’s been ejaculating blood), and a control-freak father. It ends with satire and even more outrageous topics of discussion. $10 on Thursday, $12 on Friday, $15 on Saturday. September 25–October 18, 8 pm, at The Axiom, 2524 McKinney. Tickets/info: 713/522-8443 or www.infernalbridegroom.com.

• Killer Karaoke and Marriage Can Be Murder. Mystery Café serves up dinner theater with a giggle. • Killer Karaoke: Who will win this karaoke competition of half-wits and crummy crooners? Moreover, who will survive the devious plots of the contest’s mysterious serial killer? • Marriage Can Be Murder: Millions of dollars in the legume industry are at stake as Phil Hocker and Stephanie Belcher (the children of two warring baked-bean magnates) await their wedding day, unless somebody kills them off to get the money. • Killer Karaoke plays Fridays; Marriage Can Be Murder plays Saturdays. Both shows presented at 8 pm at Marriott West Loop, 1750 West Loop South at San Felipe. Reservations required: call 713/944-2583 or visit www.mysterycafehouston.com.

• Koyaanisqatsi. This stunning film that matches the whirl and redundancy of modern human life is perfectly matched to modern composer Philip Glass’s relentless spinning soundtrack. Glass creates his signature style here, taking minimal themes, then building upon them using repetition and slight variation. The effect can be cathartic, ethereal, dizzying, but it’s always both cerebral and transcendent. In this particular revival of the early ’80s film, the soundtrack is performed live. September 25 & 26, 8 pm @ the Wortham Center’s Cullen Theater. Tickets and more information: 713/227-4772 or www.spahouston.org.

PERFORMING ARTS FOR YOUNG PEOPLE

• Charlotte’s Web is a classic that has brought generation after generation to laughter and tears. The story of Wilbur the humble pig and the nurturing spider Charlotte teaches us all the meaning of friendship. $7. September 27–November 8, 11 am and 1:30 pm on Saturdays at The Company OnStage, 536 Westbury Square. For tickets: 713/726-1219.

• If You Take a Mouse to School, something extra-ordinary is probably going to happen. This tale for kids pre-k through 3rd grade demonstrates how we can handle the mundane in creative ways. Pack a lunch with plenty of cheese sandwiches. $10, $8 for children, students, and seniors. September 19 (7:30 pm), 20 (1, 3, & 5 pm) and October 4 (1, 3, & 5 pm) at Main Street Theater–Chelsea Market, 4617 Montrose Blvd. For tickets: www.mainstreettheater.com, www.ticket web.com, or 713/524-6706.

• Kids on Stage. Main Street Theater’s Fall performing arts classes for kids runs from September 5–November 15 for kindergartners through high schoolers. Classes are at Main Street Theater in the Chelsea Market, 4617 Montrose Blvd. Registration: call Angela Harris, director of education, at 713/524-9196, or e-mail Harris at aharris@mainstreettheater.com.

RADIO

• After Hours. Saturdays, midnight to 3 am. Featuring the QMZ (Queer Music Zone) with Jimmy Carper. KPFT 90.1 FM, 713/526-5738.

• Queer Voices. Mondays, 8-10 pm. Features, news, music, interviews, reviews, and commentary. KPFT 90.1 FM, 713/526-4000.

ART/PHOTOGRAPHY

• CraftHouston 2003. The second in a series of juried exhibitions spon-sored at the Craft Center, this exhibit showcases the best craftsfolk in North America and debuts in Houston. An artists’ reception takes place Friday, August 8 from 6–8 pm with curator and writer Lloyd Herman announcing Award of Merit winners prior to the opening. Free. Through October 12, 10 am–5 pm, Tuesday through Saturday, and noon–5 pm on Sunday at the Houston Center for Contemporary Craft, 4848 Main St. More info: 713/529-4848.

• Don Flavin: Monuments for V. Tatlin. One of the most innovative artists of the latter half of the 20th century, Don Flavin (1933–1996) installed what became the final commission of Dominique de Menil. Using Flavin’s signature medium of fluorescent lighting, the work plays fascinating games with the eyes. Your peepers will be enchanted. The Menil Collection, 1515 Sul Ross. Info: 713/525-9400 or www.menil.org.

• The Heroic Century. Houston is the exclusive town to exhibit 208 of the best examples of the giants of modern art, including works by Dali, Picasso, van Gogh, Lichtenstein, and Matisse. Normally, to see such an exhaustive collection you’d have to travel the globe. The MFA will even throw in some Warhol. Now how much would you pay? All the giants, one big collection, one great museum, all for under fifteen bucks. $12.50 ($7.50 for seniors, students with valid ID, and children 6–18; $5 for members). Opens September 21 and runs through January 4 at The Museum of Fine Arts, Houston. 1001 Bissonnet. For information: 713/639-7300 or www.mfah.org.

• Holy Mola. Every society strives to immortalize its heritage. For the Kuna Indians, this is done through the mola, a method of quilting that incorporates reverse appliqué technique. Often worn by the Kuna women as blouses, the vibrant panels display rich scenes of the animal and plant life of the Caribbean. Molas: Quilted Treasures of the Kuna Indians is of interest to those keen on quilting, fashion, art, and the Caribbean landscape. September 27–January 4 @ the Houston Museum of Natural Science, 0ne Hermann Circle Dr. More info: 713-639-4629 or www.hmns.org.

• Life, Africa Style. Houston is one of only six cities in North America to see this exhibit. With 150 photographs taken by nearly a hundred of the world’s most renowned photojournalists, A Day in the Life of Africa captures the life, landscape, and beauty of the continent during a 24-hour period. The collection dispels the stereotypical notion that Africa is home to nothing but famine and war. September 3–22 at The Galleria, Foley’s/Nordstrom wing (between Foley’s and Nordstrom), 5135 West Alabama. More information: www.DITLAfrica.com.

• Paintings and Monotypes features recent color-filled works by Sandi Seltzer at the Jung Center. Free. 9 am–8 pm Mondays through Thursdays, 9 am–5 pm Fridays, 10 am–4 pm Saturdays, September 2–30 at the Jung Center, 5200 Montrose Blvd. For more information: 713/524-8253.

• The Paper Sculpture Show is an exceptionally unique and fun exploration of the nature of art, how it is envisioned, and how it is created. Each of the more than 30 contributing artists (including the Art Guys) lists the components of the sculpture, like a set of directions. With the help of a gallery assistant, you build the sculpture. How often do you get to go to a gallery and make the art yourself? Free. Sept. 10–Nov. 15 (opening reception Wednesday, Sept. 10, 6–9 pm) at DiverseWorks, 1117 East Fwy off N. main at Naylor. Info: 713-223-8346 or www.diverseworks.org.

• Pearls: A Natural History. Pearly Gates could be made from all the beautiful pearls on display here. With over 600 objects and nearly 500,000 pearls, this pearl exhibit is the largest and most comprehensive collection of its kind. In addition to learning all about pearls, You’ll view a fabulous array of celebrities’ pearls. Among them are the prototype of the faux pearl necklace worn by Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany’s, the cultured pearl necklace bought by Joe DiMaggio for his bride Marilyn Monroe, and a breathtaking brooch made of fresh-water pearls that belonged to comic opera star Lillian Russell. Tickets: $8–$12.50. Sept. 27, 2003–Jan. 18, 2004 at Houston Museum of Natural Science, One Hermann Circle Dr., 713/639-4629 or www.hmns.org.

• Tony Smith. Trained as an architect, Tony Smith (1912–1980) began making abstract, reductive paintings and sculptures of a Minimalist nature in the early ‘60s. Profoundly influenced by Jackson Pollock and Barnett Newman, Smith created deeply spiritual and enigmatic works. Beginning this month, three of his sculptures will be installed in the Menil’s Loretto Street Park, The Elevens Are Up (1963), Wall (1964), and New Piece (1966). 1515 Sul Ross. For more information: 713/525-9400 or www.menil.org.

• Trim. Native Texan Andy Coolquit begins Diverse-Works’ visual arts season with his exhibit, Trim, in con-junction with The Paper Sculpture Show. This notorious artist ( his cool part house got him dismissed from his UT grad program) includes funky sculptural furniture, text paintings, and odd collections like a collection of found cigarette lighters. Runs Sept. 10-Nov. 15 (opening Sept. 10 from 6–9 pm) at DiverseWorks, 1117 East Fwy off N. main at Naylor. Info: 713-223-8346 or www.diverseworks.org.

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