Judy Jests by Blasé DiStefano

The politically incorrect Judy Tenuta is asked five ridiculous questions; she gives five funny ridiculous answers.

OutSmart: What is the gayest thing you own?

Judy Tenuta: The gayest thing I own … a strap-on accordion!

What do you think of the term "fag hag"?

First of all, Grace from Will & Grace is no fag hag. Fag hags are two-foot-one, weigh 690 pounds, have pure white whale skin, dyed-black shoe-polish hair and black clothes and black lipstick and black toenails. And you know I’m right. A fag hag looks more like Shamu with sandals.

If you were reborn with any fabulous artistic talent other than comedy, what would you like it to be?

I would like to be a fabulous musician/singer and, of course, fashion designer!

If you were a lesbian, who’d be your number-one target?

If I were a lesbitarian … the Dixie Chicks!

That way, you get more than one.

That’s what I’m saying, honey … plus [in a country drawl] they sing real nice.

If you were Queen of the Universe…

Aren’t I?!

How else can I phrase this ? If you were…

Oh, I see, if the government…

Yeah, that kind of queen. If you were Queen of the Universe, what would be the first thing you would do?

I would say that, first of all, there are no guns at all. All the guns have to be taken back, but at the same time, everyone has the right to bare arms … and that means wear sleeveless gowns!

Judy Tenuta appears in Houston, Sept. 13—15 (Thurs. at 8:30 p.m.; Fri. at 8 & 10:30 p.m.; and Sat. at 8 [nonsmoking show] & 10:30 p.m.) at the Laff Stop, 1952-A West Gray. Tickets are $17—$22. For more information, call 713/524-2333 or visit www.laffstop.com.