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OK!
Let Go of the Banana!
Using
mindfulness to free ourselves from painful beliefs
By Micki Fine
 Here’s
how to catch a monkey. You need a basket, a lid with
a hole just large enough for the monkey to stick her
hand into, and a banana. You firmly attach the basket
to something immovable. You stash a banana inside the
basket, attach the lid and wait. The monkey will come
put her hand through the lid to grasp the banana. But,
guess what—the hole is not big enough for the monkey’s
hand to fit through when she’s got a banana in
her fist. All she has to do is let go of the banana
in order to be free of the trap. Amazing as it seems,
the monkey won’t let go of the banana even in the
face of being captured.
Not many of us need or want to catch monkeys. So, what’s
the point? Just like the monkey holds on to the banana,
sometimes we cling to beliefs, feelings, or behaviors
that prevent us from being free and getting what we
want. It’s easy to see that the monkey should just
let go of the banana, but it’s not so easy to see
what we need to release.
“If
you cling to something as absolute truth and are caught
in it, when truth comes in person and knocks on your
door, you will refuse to let it in.”—Buddha
Think
about the concerns and fears that many gays and lesbians
have about being out. Many people struggle with what
others will think of them. “My parents will disown
me if I tell them.” “She’ll hate me if
she finds out.” “I’ll get fired.”
“He’d never understand.”
It’s natural to have these thoughts. But they cause
suffering. What we really want is acceptance and freedom
to live our lives. Because of these thoughts and fears,
we don’t live freely and we may feel alienated.
So, holding on to these beliefs and fears gets us the
opposite of what we really want. Just like with the
monkey, letting go may be just what is needed.
Simply
letting go of our beliefs and fears is not simple. Maybe
you’ve tried just not caringwhat others
think, but that brings resentment and hardening of one’s
heart. Withdrawing or numbing yourself with drugs or
alcohol is an escape. Perhaps you’ve tried denying
that a problem exists at all. These tactics don’t
work in the long-term. We need to try something that
goes beyond diverting ourselves from the issue.
Mindfulness
is a powerful way of being that can help us not only
become less reactive to our thoughts and beliefs, but
also change them over time. Mindfulness, the skill of
bringing spacious, nonjudgmental awareness to our everyday
present-moment experience, fosters the skill of engaging
with life more fully and becoming more in tune with
oneself.
You might ask how mindfulness can produce such results.
Good question. Meditation is practiced to foster mindfulness.
Meditation includes focusing on the breath, noticing
the content of the mind when it wanders, and refocusing
whenever needed. You become an observer of your experience,
including your thoughts and feelings.
“The
stronger the observer is, the less mysterious emotions
are, and the less we tend to get caught by them.”—Charlotte
Joko Beck
Just
beneath the surface of regular awareness is an amazing
world of thoughts. Many of us are unaware of these thoughts
because we live life on a kind of auto-pilot. We remain
distracted from ourselves. But those thoughts are what
drive our behaviors.
See for yourself. Sit and notice your breath for a few
minutes. Notice what thoughts come up when your mind
wanders away from the breath. What comes up for you?
Chores you feel anxious about getting done? Worries
about an argument with your lover? Refocus and notice
again. What is it this time? A daydream? Another worry?
Just keep refocusing for awhile and observe what happens.
Let’s say a thought you had during this little
experiment was, “What am I doing sitting here?
I have too much to do.” This may make you feel
anxious, so you jump up and hurry around, get impatient
with traffic while running errands, and end up out of
sorts for the rest of the day.
In meditation, we learn to observe our thoughts (“What
am I doing sitting here? I have too much to do.”)
and feelings (anxiety), and recognize that they are
simply thoughts and feelings. Then we do nothing about
them and refocus on the breath. This teaches us that
our thoughts and feelings do not have to overwhelm us.
By the very fact that we can observe them means that
we do not have to identify with them by reacting automatically.
“When
we want something out of an effort to fill an aching
desire within, ...we are lost in attachment. We are
trying to fill an emptiness that no object can ever
fill.”—Sharon Salzberg
With
a meditation practice, some of the thoughts about what
others think of you may be less worrisome. Another benefit
of observing your experience through meditation is that
you begin to know and connect with yourself. With this
connection you can experience life with greater acceptance
and peace. You don’t have to be like the monkey
who keeps holding on to the banana even though it is
to her disadvantage. With mindfulness, you can consciously
choose to be free. Go ahead, let go of the banana.
Miki
Fine is a psychologist in Houston with a counselling practice
grounded in a mindfulness approach.
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