Let’s
Talk About Sex
...Sex
addiction, that is—and why few in the gay community
want to talk about it
by
Patrick J. Vachon
It is not surprising that the sexual oppression of the
gay culture prior to Stonewall was met with an explosion
of sexual energy. In the ’70s, it was acceptable
and even expected that gay men be sexually active and
“promiscuous.” Because of years of oppression,
much of the gay community felt entitled to unleash the
pent-up sexual energy. Often, those who chose not to
be active were labeled as prudish or sex phobic. The
pursuit of sex, one-night stands, and other forms of
anonymous sex became considered a normal part of gay
culture. (This, by the way, paralleled the “sexual
revolution” of mainstream America.) For many gay
men, drugs, alcohol, and sex became a way of life.
Since
the beginning of my practice I have been working primarily
in the gay and lesbian community. I’ve worked with
people on various addictions and compulsive behavior,
and over the past 20 years I have seen the perception
of drug and alcohol use changing. The development of
recovery groups and 12-step organizations has steadily
increased, and the clean and sober community has grown
by leaps and bounds nationwide. Sex addiction, however,
is still a largely un-addressed problem, a problem that
only recently has begun to come into the light.
Like
other addictions, sex addiction has held a strong, negative
stigma. It wasn’t until the beginning of Alcoholics
Anonymous that the addiction to alcohol was brought
out of the closet and recognized as an illness in mainstream
culture. We now realize that alcohol and drug addictions
are present across the entire socioeconomic, religious,
and cultural spectrum. The same is true with sex addiction.
Not only does it affect every class of people, but it
also affects people regardless of gender or sexual orientation.
Like the now-outdated view of alcoholism, sexual addiction
is greatly misunderstood by both the mainstream and
gay population.
What
does sex addiction look like? Like many alcoholics,
most sex addicts go undetected and live otherwise normal
lives. The addiction may take the form of an ongoing
pursuit of sexual activity such as cruising bars, baths,
parks, restrooms, or bookstores. For others it may appear
as an ever-increasing pursuit of sex or sexual fantasy
on the Internet. Still others might find that pornography—either
printed or video—are the drug of choice. Others
find themselves trapped in a routine of calling 900
numbers for phone sex or cruising in their cars till
late in the night looking for tricks, prostitutes, or
prostituting themselves. Still others might find themselves
enveloped in the sex industry, selling or trading themselves
or making pornography. Whatever the form, the chemical
rush that results produces an escape route into unconsciousness.
The
basic agenda of any addiction is: escape. Escape from
the pains of everyday life, from loneliness, fear, anger,
or depression, escape from the pressures of a homophobic
culture—all of these aches can be temporarily “medicated”
by the intoxicating rush of a sexual high. Like other
addictions, sex addiction is often deeply rooted in
childhood experiences. Wounds from childhood, which
are often magnified by one’s being gay or lesbian,
often feel too painful to deal with, and the escape
of the addiction is sought.
To
play devil’s advocate, you may ask: Why not escape?—lots
of sex sounds pretty enjoyable. The problem is, escape
just doesn’t work very well. Like other drugs,
the high soon wears off and the pain returns. More escape
is sought, the cycle occurs again, and again...and again,
sometimes for years, sometimes for a lifetime. And further,
at an even more basic level, when you “escape”
from yourself, it means you’re living a life that
is based in untruth, in a basic alienation from who
you are. When you try and seal pain off in a closet
and escape from it, it endures. Only when you face the
pain can it be healed.
As
I begin to write on the controversial topic of sex addictions,
I understand that some in the gay community might argue
that I’m supporting heterosexual norms and gay
oppression, that this only colludes with those who preach
about the “sexual perversity” of the gay community.
Sex addiction is not something that the gay community
wants to admit is prevalent, and understandably so.
There is certainly a reasonable fear that this issue
might be used against the community, just as the very
real problems of alcohol and drug addiction and teen
suicide have been. Also, the culture at large sends
a message that “gay sex is bad”—so it’s
easy to see how gay people revolt against any message
telling us that there might be a problem with gay sex.
But as good and as right as gay sex is, our community
needs to face that we’ve created a culture in which
sexual addiction is widespread. And we must remember,
an addiction is a disease, not a weakness. It is not
something to be ashamed of—that will only get in
the way of figuring out how to treat it, how to break
out of its self-destructive cycle.
It
is my hope that we’ve grown strong enough as a
community that we can discuss some of our problems without
growing defensive or leveling charges of “internalized
homophobia.” This article is merely being written
to communicate a problem that is present within both
the heterosexual and homosexual community. If you can
relate to the information to follow, it may be helpful
as well as hopeful. If you believe that it does not
apply to you, then you may well not have a problem with
compulsive or addictive sexual behavior. Or...you may
not be ready or willing to hear the information. At
any rate, I deliver this information and observations
with an open heart—I hope that it is received with
an open mind.
How
do you know if you are a sex addict? In general it is
a process that can start in childhood or young adulthood
and then progress over time to a point of becoming unmanageable,
interfering with all aspects of life, destroying relationships,
careers, and lives.
I would like to clarify that someone who engages in
masturbation, anonymous sex, or pornography is not necessarily
a sex addict. You might ask yourself: Is this a joyful,
nurturing part of my life? Do I have control over it?
Does it feel like it is an expression of my innermost
being?—or is it something in which I feel cut off
from myself, an emptiness? Sexual addiction, although
difficult to identify at times, has a specific set of
characteristics that accompany it, including certain
patterns of increased frequency, duration, or intensity.
Patrick Carnes, author and researcher in the field of
sex addiction, identifies seven themes present in sex
addicts.
1)
A recurrent pattern of inability to resist sexual impulses.
Many people report an inability to control themselves
once a sexual preoccupation begins. A person at the
gym might be sexually triggered by another man—as
the excitement takes over, the workout is interrupted
or terminated. Someone shopping at a grocery store might
find himself or herself unable to continue shopping
and find they cruise instead.
2) Engaging in those
behaviors to a greater extent, or over a longer period
of time than intended. Many people report entering an
Internet chat room and find themselves hours later unable
to leave. Others might find themselves cruising the
bars or streets for sex long after their intended departure
time. Still others might find themselves masturbating
to pornography more intensely or for longer than intended
even to the point of physical harm. This dynamic is
analogous to an individual who says “just one more
drink,” and is unable to stop.
3) A persistent
desire or unsuccessful attempts to reduce, limit, stop,
or control those behaviors. Once identified as a problem,
most sex addicts will make an attempt to stop, limit,
or control their behavior, only to find themselves unable
to follow through with their promise. Some might attempt
to control it by limiting the behavior to weekends,
home, or specific places. They might partake in a particular
sexual activity when their partner is away or when out
of town. This is similar to an alcoholic that “only
drinks on the weekend” or “only drinks beer”
in an attempt to control or modify their addiction.
4)
Spend large amounts of time acquiring sex, being sexual,
or recovering from sexual episodes. Many sex addicts
report spending long periods of time acquiring sex or
sexual images, whether it is at bars, baths, parks,
bookstores, Internet, pornography, or the gym. In addition
others report being sexual for long periods. Long periods
of masturbation, sexual binges, voyeuring, exhibiting,
or Internet intrigue. Stories often include comments
that they were “sucked into” the situation.
People often report going into a “trance”-like
state while on the Internet, watching videos, or cruising
the baths. “Sex hangovers” or recovery periods
are a common report.
5)
A preoccupation with the sexual behavior or preparation
for it. The planning for a sexual experience might begin
hours, days, or weeks in advance. A trip to a circuit
party in which sexual acting out is anticipated might
be planned long in advance, creating a sexually charged
excitement that begins long before the act itself. Depending
on the specific behavior embraced, there may be preparation
or ritual involved. A specific route home from work
might be planned out or anticipated, knowledge of a
partner going away on a business trip or otherwise away
from home may begin the planning of an acting-out episode.
There are often specific cruising clothes worn to be
sexually inviting, or going to certain places, or drinking
certain alcoholic beverages which might become part
of a ritual.
6)
Engaging in sexual behaviors at the expense of work,
school, family, or relationship. It is very common for
addicts to allow the addiction to interfere with other
responsibilities. Work meetings and projects might be
canceled or delayed either consciously or unconsciously.
Plans with friends might take a back seat.
Many people report staying in Internet chat rooms or
porn websites long after a partner has requested that
they join them in bed or other activities. Others say
they spend extensive time at work in Internet chat rooms
or porn sites. In fact some statistics report that the
majority of “hits” on Internet sexually oriented
sites occur between 8 and 5, while people are at work,
away from partners, family, and home, obviously interfering
with work productivity. Many sex addicts report planning
their days, evenings, or weekends around sex.
7)
Continuing the behavior despite knowledge of social,
financial, or physical ramifications. The devotion to
the addiction continues despite the potential for harm.
Knowledge that cruising tearooms or public parks might
lead to arrest or that other physical, legal, or financial
consequences are possible is not enough to stop addictive
acting out. Although someone may know that they are
risking HIV infection, is not enough to stop a high-risk
behavior. It is not uncommon for individuals to spend
vast amounts of money on sex or sexual acquisitions
while bills remain unpaid.
For those individuals who have a problem with compulsive
sexual acting out or who are in a relationship with
someone who does, there is hope and help available.
There are many groups based on the model of Alcoholics
Anonymous that are very effective.
Everyone
has a shadow, that part in the back of your psyche that
feels dark, hard, perhaps too hard to look at. But bringing
our shadows into the light of day in a way that is loving
and responsible, that is the way to grow and become
whole, fulfilled individuals. As a gay and lesbian community
it is important that we continue to look at our shadow
as we continue our collective mission of healing, hope,
and equity. Addictions—whether to drugs, smoking,
food, sex, or some other addictive substance or activity—eat
away at the foundation of individuals, communities,
and society at large. As we continue our forward movement
out of the closet and into the societal light, let us
be collectively mindful of our shadows as well.
Help
Along the Way
Out of The Shadows,by Patrick Carnes
Don’t Call It Love,by Patrick Carnes
Facing Love Addiction,by Pia Melody
Patrick Carnes website: www.sexhelp.com
Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, Houston: www.slaahouston.org
(program materials, extensive meeting and event schedule);
713/781-3999 (helpline)
Sex Addicts Anonymous: www.sexaa.org
(program materials, Houston meeting contacts, online
meetings)
Patrick
J. Vachon LMSW-ACP is a social worker in private practice
in Houston. He is a certified IMAGO relationship therapist
and may be reached at VachonPJ@aol.com
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