BOTH SIDES NOW

Once smitten, now bi shy, our writer still pleads tolerance for the bisexuals among us

By Thomas Blanton

Back before I met Jack and got all domesticated and life-partnerish, I was single. And like a lot of single men, I dated. Oh, how I dated. Most of my attempts at even casual dating failed miserably, and as such are not worth mentioning outside of an anger-management seminar. There was, however, one particular guy who stood out from the rest: Let’s call him Rolondo. He was an ex-hockey player turned med student, so not only was he beefy, but he would eventually be able to support me in the tax bracket to which I’d like to become accustomed. We met online (don’t judge me), spent some time together, and clicked immediately. Everything was leading up to that blissful moment when you wake up and it takes you a second to remember where you are and what you did with your pants. Unfortunately, he killed the mood. Killed the mood dead, in fact, with those 10 little words no gay man ever expects to hear: “Just so you know—I’m kind of seeing this girl.”

He wasn’t a celebrity living a double life to protect his career, nor was he confused about his sexuality and desperately clinging to a shell-shocked fag hag with a traumatic history of getting involved with closeted homos. He was “kind of seeing this girl,” just like how he was “kind of seeing” me. My precious Rolondo was a bona fide, in the flesh, the-grass-is-greener-on-both-sides bisexual.

Of course, I totally didn’t believe him. I mean, haven’t we all, at some point or another, claimed bisexuality? Most of us did it when we were taking our first baby steps out of the closet, pretending we’d eventually meet a respectable lass and settle down, rather than dealing with the fact that we’d gone through puberty and still thought girls were icky. And gay or straight, everybody has the One They’d Switch For. Jack has made it clear that he plans to dump me for Angelina Jolie, which frankly, I have no problem with, considering I’d smother him with a pillow if I thought it would make Gina Gershon like me.

I’d always thought true bisexuals were mythological, like unicorns, or conservative environmentalists. I mean, sure, I’d known people who swore up and down that they were bi, but I never bought it. Most of them were just trying to be bohemian, and almost always freaked out when someone of the same sex tried to flirt with them. It never occurred to me that some people out there were honestly and equally physically attracted to boys and girls.

Rolondo and I tried to date for a while, but I wanted a boyfriend, and he wasn’t ready to settle down with anyone, so we promised to stay in touch and then never called each other. Looking back on the whole Rolondo affair, though (or as my buddy Patrick puts it, “That time you really were the other woman”), he had it rough. He couldn’t introduce me to his straight friends, since they all assumed he was straight, too. At the same time, he couldn’t introduce a girl to his gay friends, since they all thought he was calling himself bisexual because he hadn’t come out to his parents.

Wouldn’t it be nifty if bisexuals could just go out and find more accepting friends? In a lot of cases, they can’t. While society in general is slowly becoming more accepting of gays and lesbians, bisexuals are still viewed with skepticism and animosity. Think about it. Heterosexual culture is rife with lesbian chic and metrosexuality, suggesting that it’s titillating and fashionable to appear gay, so long as you’re actually straight. Gay culture isn’t much better. Just look at our porn stars: Is Jeff Stryker bi? Of course not. He’s “gay for pay.” I can’t even meet a deadline when a paycheck depends on it, much less have visually stunning sex with someone completely opposite of what I’m attracted to in front of a camera crew and production assistants. A porn star calling himself bisexual just doesn’t sell, but if it’s a “totally straight” actor who just so happens to do gay films, then pass the popcorn and slo-mo the good parts.

Okay, so maybe porn doesn’t make the most credible example. But the fact is, a lot of us have problems with bisexuality, and, well, sometimes that makes us kind of hypocritical. We want our sexuality validated, but we don’t want to validate the sexualities of others. We rally against stereotypes, but view bisexuals as either confused or slutty. Overall, we’re not doing too hot a job of contributing toward a truly inclusive and understanding world.

Pride is coming up at the end of this month. While you’re standing in line for one of the three Porta-Potties the city puts out for the thousands of parade-goers, or while you’re trading punches with a drag queen over a plastic beaded necklace, take a moment to reflect on what the event really represents: the freedom to love whomever you want; the joy of being proud of who and what you are; and, most importantly, the knowledge that you have a community that accepts you. Let’s do what we can to make sure that community is being just as accepting of all the different, wacky, beautiful people who make it up.
And if you run into Gina Gershon, tell her to call me.

Thomas Blanton offered his take on queer eyes and straight guys [“Kind Eye for the Slovenly Guy”] in our March issue.

If you have any comments about this article, please email them to letters@outsmartmagazine.com.