Check Up: Patrick Vachon

by Joyce Gabiola

Photo by Yvonne Feece

CHECK UP:
PATRICK VACHON

A single guy when he was one of the original OutSmart contributors, the therapist is now a family man

Patrick Vachon [pictured top] and his son Anton greet me at the front door on a rainy Sunday morning. Anton articulates, as much as a three-year-old can, but enough for me to understand, “Come into the den.” I am ushered into a room where Free Willy is about to start.

Vahcon was one of the original OutSmart contributors, offering articles on various subjects such as the effects of adolescent sexual abuse on gay men, HIV/AIDS, coming out, and personal and community growth. While Vachon says now he is not a fan of writing, I found his written voice to be sound, confident, and trustworthy, which in his line of work is fundamental.

Vachon has been a clinical social worker in private practice for 10 years. He says his professional purpose is to work with and for the community to heal individuals, couples, and families. He assists his clients (about 50 percent are couples) in making their relationships work. While about 60 percent of his clients are gay or lesbian, his clientele also consists of heterosexuals. Compared to 10 years ago, the major difference in his practice is found in the emphasis on therapy for gay couples, many with families, while in the early years the focus was on HIV and coming-out issues. This change in focus is also a reflection of Vachon’s personal life.

In 1985, after losing his partner of five years to AIDS, Vahcon realized there was healing to accomplish, not just within his own life but also within the community. (“As a community, we do have wounding,” Vachon says.) In 1990 he earned a master’s degree in social work from the University of Houston and became a certified therapist in the IMAGO method (imago is Latin for “image”). The basis of the IMAGO relationship model is an embracing of the work required of any relationship in order for it to last. Vachon asserts that healing can only be accomplished in a relationship while growth work is done on an individual basis. He points out that relationships do not exist only between two people involved in a romantic coupling. As people, we have relationships with our co-workers, colleagues, peers, teachers, bankers, medical professionals, and others, just as we have relationships with inanimate objects or situations, such as food, money, and sex.
V
achon asserts that healing can occur in a relationship when we have long-term monogamous relationships. His critics say he is trying to influence gay couples to adopt “heterosexual ideals.” “We need to invest in relationships,” Vachon counters. “We need to maximize growth potential.”

Vachon and his husband Jason Komar have been together for six years. In July 2003, they exchanged wedding vows in Canada. Vachon’s family is fully supportive, and Komar’s parents accept Vachon as their son-in-law. “We grow and struggle just like everyone,” says Vachon.

Komar points out that he had only been out of the closet for four years before he met Vachon. In turn, Vachon recalls the ’70s and ’80s, when both gay and straight people were insisting that gays and lesbians—especially gay men—couldn’t have committed monogamous relationships. Looking around him, he adopted this mentality as truth, as many others have and do, but as times changed Vachon found himself in a significant relationship. He started wondering what else he could have that others in the past said he could not. Healthy relationship. Check. Kids. Why not?

As individuals, Vachon and Komar knew they always wanted to have kids someday. Komar quips, “Always wanted kids, yes. Five weeks apart, no.” Vachon and Komar’s life together changed radically when Anton and Parker became part of the family, almost all at once.

In 2000, Vachon and Komar decided that they wanted to adopt. The process started in June 2001, and in January 2002 they met with the woman who would give birth to Parker (she had selected Vachon and Komar to raise the child on Martin Luther King Day, January 17, 2001). Then, in February 2001, they received a letter from Russia regarding Anton’s adoption. Parker was born on June 20, 2002. For six months, since the day they met Parker’s mother, Vachon and Komar were involved in the pregnancy, and they were in the delivery room to witness the birth of their daughter. Parker came to live with them the next day. On July 27, five weeks later, Anton joined the family. Suddently, there were two children in their household. Vachon and Komar had created the family they always wanted.

Anton and Parker know Vachon as Papa and Komar as Daddy. “We don’t hide our love together,” Vachon says. They express affection for each other as any couple would with hugs, kisses, and handholding. “If people could just come into our home, they’d see that we are a normal family,” Vachon points out. The kids go to bed at 8 or 8:30, Vachon and Komar go to bed around 9, and everyone is up at 5 o’clock the next morning. “We have the same issues and struggles. We experience the same stuff everyone experiences plus an extra dose because of the oppression.”

As expected with a new family, other aspects of Vachon and Komar’s lives changed, including their friendships and social activities with individuals and other couples. They have friends in similar familial situations, but who want to get together at 10 or 11 at night or during child naptime. But for Vachon and Komar, life revolves around their children. I ask Vachon to sum up his life, and Komar pops up with a cliché—“I wouldn’t have it any other way.” Then he teases, “He’s got the pool he’s always wanted.”

Vachon smiles, then adds, “Being in a relationship and a parent is the hardest combination you’ll ever do. As hard as it is sometimes, I wouldn’t want it any other way.” He poses, “If I hadn’t been in a relationship for five years, would I have gone into social work?”

I ask Vachon if this is where he thought he would be. He replies, “Hell no. If you asked me in the ’70s or even 10 years ago about having a family, I would’ve said no.”

Vachon says he wants to teach his children tolerance and to understand and accept differences. From his second OutSmart column (in the May 1994 issue), Vachon recalls a favorite quote from his IMAGO training: “Through our sameness we connect. Through our differences we grow.” He wants Anton and Parker to be raised in an environment where they accept people of different races, socio-economic backgrounds, and beliefs. He assures, “They will get that quickly.”

At some point during the interview, Anton has spilled lemonade on the kitchen floor and managed to leave the crime scene undetected. Shortly after, during playtime with Komar, Parker begins throwing a tantrum while Anton playfully rushes for one of my sheets of paper and my pen, which I willingly relinquish. Komar lifts Parker up and heads out of the den, telling her, “We need to have a girl talk.” They return, Parker crying non-stop at the same pitch. Vachon turns to me and says, “This is a sign that it’s naptime.”

Vachon and Komar are calm and seem comfortable. Everything is now under control. As the interview ends, Anton sits quietly on a stool while Komar prepares sandwiches for the kids, and Vachon demonstrates how the short, complex plastic contraption located between the kitchen and the hallway becomes ajar (I was intimidated by one of those kids’ gates, so?)

Vachon is happy he’s here. Wouldn’t you be?

Joyce Gabiola is a contributor for the new Pride.04 magazine. This is her first piece for OutSmart.

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