ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE

Couples in which both people live with HIV face more than double the challenges. Starting this month, a new workshop seeks to help

by Christopher Curtis

Photo by Tim Brookover

They had exchanged glances at the Bally’s gym in Denver but said nothing to each other except “hello,” as one went home and the other went started his workout.

Neither knew if the other was gay until they ran into each other again at a nightclub. While they both realized an attraction, neither wanted to do anything about it. They were both dating other people.

Mark and Thomas (at their request, OutSmart is not using their real names) settled on friendship. The two enjoyed being outside, working out, and what they both agreed were the simple pleasures in life. For Mark, the fact that Thomas was a Christian was important, “because that’s one part of my life I want to share,” he says.

Two break-ups and six months later, the two went with a friend to see Dead Poet’s Society. Midway through the movie, Thomas reached out and grabbed Mark’s hand.

“I was kinda surprised,” Mark admits. “I thought,What is he doing? We were in the suburbs—straight city. And then I thought Oh this makes sense. We both have so much in common.”

As the relationship grew, Thomas decided to get tested for HIV. His results came back positive.

“It was devastating,” Thomas recalls. “Honestly I felt like I was untouchable, like a caste member of India. You kinda want to curl up and go away. Then a couple days passed, and I was like, ‘I haven’t died yet, so now what?’”

Mark always suspected he was positive. “So by the time I found out, it was almost easier,” he says.

After years of therapy and the loss of several friends, the couple’s careers moved them to Houston. “We had to follow our insurance,” Mark explains.

The insurance would soon become very useful. Mark developed lymphoma. “I almost died,” he confides. “I made sure people came in to say goodbye because I wasn’t sure if I would be here the next day.”

When Mark recovered, his doctor convinced him to check out the Bering Support Network.

Bering Memorial United Methodist Church started the Bering Support Network with a Wednesday night potluck dinner during the height of the AIDS crisis. Network director Ken McLeod says the program (“for people with HIV and someone who loves someone with HIV”) has met every week without interruption since 1986. The network is a program associated with the church and supported by a grant from Bering Omega Community Services. Individuals need not belong to or attend the church to participate in network activities, which include grief therapy groups, a group for individuals over 35 (called For Mature Audiences Only), a support group for professional caregivers and volunteers, and the Tuesday Lunch Bunch Gang. The network also provides individual counseling by trained, licensed professionals.

When it comes to couples, the Bering Support Network has long helped those in which one person is positive and the other is not. “But with couples who both have the virus, it’s different,” McLeod says. “You’re worrying for two. You’re planning for two. You each have your own issues, plus how your partner’s issues are affecting them.”

Listening to Thomas and Mark, you understand what McLeod means. “I find that I have to wear different hats at different times and sometimes multiple hats at the same time,” Thomas explains. “There are times when being a husband takes a back seat to being a caretaker.”

“My biggest concern is Thomas,” Mark says, “because it takes a huge toll of being a caretaker.”

McLeod plans to help couples like Mark and Thomas with a new six-week workshop starting in April called Poz Squared (see sidebar). The program’s name reflects the belief that couples who are both infected with HIV don’t simply have double the concerns of other couples, but exponentially more things to worry about.

“Couples that are both living with HIV will talk about the logistics and the mechanics of fighting the disease,” McLeod says, “but they don’t talk about their feelings, and what we’re hoping to do is bring some of that to the surface.”

Buck and Paul, who are also both HIV-positive (and requested the use of their first names only), admit to having some communication problems.

“Paul doesn’t always tell me when he’s feeling bad, and it’s a little bit frustrating,” Buck says.

Paul appreciates Buck’s concern, while expressing what he calls the comfort in dating someone who shares his HIV status—“because there’s no fear of infecting someone else and the person doesn’t worry when I get a flu, head cold, or cut myself that the world is going to end.”

Paul and Buck, who opened the KeyStar Entertainment Complex private-event facility last October, had been together for a year and a half before they faced a scare during the Christmas season, when Paul developed kidney stones as a result of his HIV medication.

“I was scared to death,” Buck reveals. “It was the first time that it dawned on me that I might lose him a little bit early.”

But Paul didn’t see things that way. “I got a really good sleep. Drug-induced comas are really fun,” he quips.

Paul credits his laissez-faire attitude on that fact that both men have lived with the disease for about 20 years.

The couple has been attending the Bering Support Network for over a year now. Buck is now one of the group facilitators.

“Being positive as long as I have, I’ve been through challenges that other people haven’t experienced,” Buck says. “The way that I was raised if you have something that you can share, then that’s what you do.”

Christopher Curtis interviewed Human Rights Campaign executive director Cheryl Jacques in our March issue.

POSITIVE MOVE
The Bering Support Network Poz Squared workshop will begin April 7 and continue for six weeks. There is no charge to participate, but couples must register in advance with network director Ken McLeod. His phone number is 713/526-1017, extension 211. More info: www.beringumc.org/bsn.htm.

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