Humor

Rx for IT
Directions for use: to be taken orally three times daily by homophobes or anyone suspecting they may have been infected by a person suffering from homophobia
Sally Sheklow

With the zillions of medicines crowding pharmacy shelves, why don’t we have an antidote to homophobia? I’d like to hand this one over to the big pharmaceuticals. They’ve renamed and sold us a cure for every other unmentionable ailment. They turned "impotence" into "erectile dysfunction," took it out of the bedroom, and gave it those easy-to-pronounce initials–ED. To treat ED they brought us Viagra, along with its very own celebrity spokesperson–Mr. ED. Bob Dole’s stiff little fountain pen and the Viagra racecar convinced men that talking to the doctor about ED is an act of courage. Turns out the market is chock full of courageous men.

If only drug companies saw homophobia as their new cash cow. As soon as they recognize the profit potential, their marketing geniuses will be all over this one.

Focus groups will test new names for homophobia.

Which do you prefer? Check one:

£ Bias Anxiety Disorder (BAD)

£ General Repetitive Rudeness (GRR)

£ HQ (hate queers)

£ GPDLMKTOTBO (God, please, don’t let my kid turn out to be one.)

The execs will find something simple and catchy–a normal-sounding name homophobes won’t be afraid to take a pill for. When the big day comes, the chief officers will gather in the board room and unveil the new disorder: Ladies and gentlemen, our next golden egg. Inhibited Tolerance. IT.

Amidst cheers of greedy camaraderie, the bigwigs pop a magnum of Dom Perignon and start planning the IT awareness campaign. IT poses a super-tough advertising challenge because one symptom of Inhibited Tolerance is that nobody wants to admit they have IT. But this is the same industry that found Lauren Hutton to get America talking about menopausal bone loss. Surely they can tackle IT.

Let the mass marketing begin. Everyone will go around humming the new IT jingle, "Oops, I Did IT Again." Refrigerators in kitchens across the nation will bear the new pink triangle magnets:

Warning Signs of IT

• Domestic partner benefits seem like "special rights"
• Antigay petitioners make a lot of sense
• "Guess what, Mom?" instills panic

Bring on the commercials. Give us a sincere-looking TV personality with a high approval rating.

Laura Bush: Do you dislike people of diverse orientations? Do you deride, devalue, or deny the rights of sexual minorities? Do you ever use the insult, "That’s so gay!"? You may suffer from Inhibited Tolerance. You’re not alone. Millions of Americans like you have IT. Now you can get H.E.L.P.–Happily Embrace Life’s Plurality. Ask your doctor if HELP is right for you.

MANLY MAN (VOICEOVER): Warning: HELP may cause loosening of rigidity, the uncontrollable urge to embrace banished family members, and a change in voting habits.

That ought to convince folks that homophobia is as shameful and personally offensive as dandruff, unsightly facial hair, and overactive bladder. HELP, the trendy new cure, will start selling like hotcakes. Homophobic talk-show hosts and televangelists have to jump on the bandwagon to keep their audiences. Poor Dr. Laura and Jerry Falwell. Those hardcore homophobes are the toughest nuts to crack. What drug companies need is someone who can do for IT what Bob Dole did for ED. A trusted, persuasive voice of experience.

(Zoom in on U.S. Capitol steps, Old Glory waves in the background. Violins play "God Bless America.")

SPOKESPERSON: Hi, I’m Jesse Helms. I never even knew I had IT until my lesbian great-granddaughter here took me aside and told me.

(Jesse smiles, puts his arm around a strapping young dyke. ZOOM IN ON CLOSEUP OF PILL BOTTLE.)

Then I found HELP.