I remember when I was eight years old, I asked my mother, "What is cancer?" She gave me the best explanation she could without alarming me, but I also remember saying: "If I ever get cancer when I am older, I am going to live life to the fullest, travel, and do something big before I die!" Maybe it was self-prophesy. Later in life, I ended up not getting cancer, but I found out I was HIV positive in 1987 when I was 28 years old. I was probably infected five years earlier in March 1982, when I first came to the U.S. from Venezuela. On that trip I met Calvin, the man who was to become my lover for six years. I went back to Venezuela and spent weeks with the worst flu of my life. Life went on as usual after that, as I was unaware of what had started happening to my health.

Two years later Calvin called me to tell me that he could not wait any longer for me to move to the U.S. and, fearful of losing him, I sold everything, packed my bags and left my country. I had done that years before when I went to school in Montreal, Canada, but now it was a true adventure. I moved to Houston from Venezuela in 1984 to start a new life with my lover. After getting my MBA, I found good jobs in the oil and gas industry as a chemical engineer.

One day in 1987 Calvin came to me with the bad news that he had gotten tested for HIV and his results were positive. I realized that I had to be positive too. After crying for a whole night, I decided I had to face reality. I went to get tested. When the results came back, my counselor told me: "You are HIV positive: Go home and take care of yourself." Back then there was nothing to treat this illness, not even AZT. I realized that all my dreams were collapsing in front of my eyes. After grieving for days, I decided that if I was going to die, I would first explore all possibilities on how to stay healthy. I was extremely hungry for medical information. I subscribed to 10 of the best AIDS newsletters in the country to keep myself updated. I become a certified HIV counselor with the Centers for Disease Control; counseling more than 20 people a night gave me the strength to continue to empower myself. I became an avid reader and researcher about anything that had to do with AIDS and health. I was still working full-time as a chemical engineer, keeping this terrible stressor a secret from my employer and coworkers. I started a passionate search for my real life purpose. I knew from several research studies on psycho-immunology that those with a life purpose tend to live longer. One thing that I already knew: Being a chemical engineer was not what I wanted on my obituary.

As time went by, I became more and more symptomatic. Diarrhea, anxiety attacks, thrush, skin problems, night sweats, and other ailments became common struggles for me. I knew that I could not continue just doing what my doctors said, and that I needed to do something different if I wanted to stay alive. I was also losing weight and energy. My relationship with my lover ended and I was transferred to Los Angeles from Houston in 1990.

I knew that there were more possibilities to learn about alternative therapies in Los Angeles. I was excited and scared at the same time, since I knew no one there. I started meeting people who were on the same search for health that I was. I got involved with very dynamic support groups where we discussed the latest treatments and alternative therapies. I started to consume megadoses of supplements, exercise regularly, and to watch my diet for allergic reactions. My health started improving; however, my weight was still decreasing. (My normal weight was 165 pounds, and I was down to 140 pounds). I became more eclectic about my healthcare‹I used the best that the pharmaceutical and holistic worlds had to offer. Many of my friends who were HIV positive were against using antivirals, since they thought these heavy drugs weren't worth the side effects. I was fortunate to use them without any problems. I also realized that this virus is a very smart one. I came to the belief that maybe switching therapies every six months or so would probably prevent a lot of the problems associated with viral resistance (mutations) and side effects due to long-term use of antivirals. I am extremely grateful about all that I learned while living in L.A.

I got transferred back to Houston a year and a half later. I was a different person with a new perspective on my healthcare. I was more assertive and demanded that my doctor let me take reasonable risks in my choices of therapies. In the meanwhile, my ex-lover Calvin and many of my friends were dying of AIDS; most of them ended up looking like skeletons before their deaths. My ex-lover, a man who used to be handsome and well-built, lost 100 pounds (from 180 pounds down to 80 pounds) and died in bones as we watched helplessly. I refused to accept that there was nothing the doctors could do to stop their wasting, which was probably the main contributor to their deaths. I decided I was not going to be the next victim of my own and my doctors' ignorance in treating wasting. I became focused, and maybe obsessed, in finding an effective therapy to this dreadful illness.

One day in the summer of 1992 some of my friends in L.A. called me to say that they had gone to a seminar about the use of anabolic steroids for AIDS. I remember saying, "But steroids are supposed to be bad for you!" I remember all I had read about the abuse and misuse of anabolic steroids, about "roid rage," and about how you could get cancer and liver problems. My friends in L.A. insisted that the seminar speaker sounded like he knew what he was saying, and that this could probably be a good option to reverse my weight loss and improve my quality of life. I was very skeptical, but in the back of my mind a little ray of hope started to shine.

I decided to do it. I figured I had more to win than to lose. I tried finding a doctor who would prescribe the steroids, but could not find one. Friends of mine began trying to find dealers who could bring anabolics from Mexico. I also asked my mother in Venezuela to get me some testosterone cypionate and Deca Durabolin‹they can be obtained over the counter there. I was finally able to obtain them and start this therapy full of excitement, fear, and hope.

I was very worried about the fact that I was doing something potentially risky without any guidance. I bought every bodybuilding magazine possible. One magazine had an advertisement for Bill Phillips' Anabolic Reference Guide. I ordered it and subscribed at the same time to Phillips' magazine, Muscle Media 2000. It took me a few days to devour Bill Phillips' book. I found it extremely helpful. However, I was still worried that there was nothing there about the potential benefits or risks of anabolic steroid use on the immune system. I remember talking to my friends about trying to find a person who would know more about that matter‹hopefully, a researcher or doctor who was HIV positive.

My first issue of Muscle Media arrived, and I read it hungrily. To my surprise and delight, there was an article in the magazine written by an HIV-positive doctor! This doctor, who called himself "Dr. X," had gotten out of his death bed, regained 40 pounds, and gotten his life back by using anabolic steroids, even though he only had four T cells!! My friends in L.A. tracked down his phone number, and when we connected, we talked for an hour. A psychiatrist on disability, his real name was Michael Dullnig, M.D. What a delightful, smart, passionate man. I became his number-one fan. We would talk for hours every week to share our experiences. He was writing a book about his personal program. I told him I was looking for a life purpose and that I was willing to volunteer some time to help him in any way to spread this information.

In the meantime, I gained good lean body mass. I put on 35 pounds during the next year or so. My immune response also improved, especially my CD8 T cells, which went from 900 to 2500 cells per mm3. My symptoms basically disappeared. I never felt or looked better in my life, even when I was HIV negative! And all this happened before we even had protease inhibitors. I agreed with Dullnig that it was unethical and immoral to keep this information from HIV-positive people and doctors just because of all the misconceptions, stigma, and hype surrounding anabolic steroid use. None of the so-called information-based organizations out there had anything on anabolics and HIV disease, and only a very few small papers had been written about it. Most doctors I talked to did not know much or anything at all, and some were very much against the use of anabolics because of all the bad publicity associated with them. So, I decided to embark in a crusade to gather more information and to help Dr. Dullnig disseminate it.

Things kept getting better for me. My quality of life got to be the best I could remember; even my mind worked better. Unfortunately, that was not the case for Michael Dullnig. While I was fortunate to have started the program while my T4 cells were still over 200 cells per mm3, Michael started the anabolic steroids when his T4-cell count had already dropped to 10 cells per mm3; normal range is 1000 to 1500 cells per mm3. Even though he was able to live a good full year after he started steroids with his new quality of life, he eventually developed CMV retinitis. He called me to say that he could not stand the thought of going blind, that he would rather die than go through the chemotherapy required to treat that infection. My first thought was to motivate him to go on, to finish his book. He called me weeks later to say that he had drawn the line and that he was going to end his life the next day on June 1, 1994. I was shocked. He was in a hurry to call everyone to say good-bye, so he did not have much time. He said that he was going to accept my offer to help him finish the book and spread this valuable information. He hung up and I spent hours crying in shock. A week later I got 650 pounds of research material via Federal Express that Dullnig had sent me. I knew my life was never going to be the same after that.

I started to get Dullnig's fan mail, dozens of letters from people all over who desperately needed help. I realized how really important this work ahead of me was. I was still working for Shell Oil then, but could hardly concentrate on my work after that. It took me four months to digest all the information to be able to continue the work. I also did my own research by going to the medical library every week to read about nutrition, endocrinology, exercise physiology, and related fields. Michael made me promise that I would not wait for the book to be published to spread the information. I decided to create my own nonprofit organization in Houston called PoWeR‹Program for Wellness Restoration. I sold my house. I came out at work as an HIV-positive man and told everyone about my new purpose in life. My boss was extremely supportive and told me to do whatever it took to find myself. I went on permanent disability at work in September 1994, and was able to devote myself entirely to my new project.

I created a workshop format with over a hundred slides and invited a few experts to join me. One by one they all came to me, seemingly effortlessly. Dr. Mauro Di Pasquale, a world expert on anabolics and sports medicine, was the first to join my efforts. Dr. Luke Bucci, author of several books on micronutrients in sports and recovery, was soon to follow. Dr. Lark Lands, one of the top nutritionists who specializes in HIV disease, has also been a great supporter. Dr. Patricia Salvato, a very progressive and respected doctor in Houston, started using the program with her patients with great results. Then life sent me another Michael to help me in this mission. I received a call from Michael Mooney, a nutritional expert in Los Angeles who was also independently researching this field. Michael turned out to be a passionate, knowledgeable, and truly concerned individual who is committed to researching this area and to sharing this information with others. We became partners in this mission, and he joined me in my travels around the country. We've collaborated on this book and several other publications.

After just four years of hard work, over 200 physicians, and other healthcare professionals, including registered dietitians and certified nutritionists, are now endorsing and applying the program with thousands of HIV-positive people. At least 50 HIV/AIDS agencies nationwide have used our services as seminar speakers. I have designed two multi-factorial research protocols to test our program on males and females while using proper nutrition and resistance weight-training.

We have given our "Built to Survive" workshop in every major city in the U.S. I have given a presentation to the largest medical school in Venezuela, and will be touring South America next year. We presented our Anabolic Hormone Guidelines at the XI International AIDS Conference in Vancouver in July 1996 and at the XII International Conference on Nutrition and HIV in Cannes, France in April 1997, and had a poster presentation at the XII International AIDS Conference in Geneva in June '97. We have been quoted in AIDS Treatment News, POZ, Sports Illustrated, Positively Aware, and The Advocate.

I have created my dream facility, a one-of-a-kind one-stop Wellness Center in Houston with another agency, Body Positive, to provide free or subsidized supervised weight-training, nutritional counseling, body composition analysis, chiropractic massage therapy, and other services to HIV-positive individuals with limited income. I have lobbied to include wellness services in the Ryan White federal funding system for Houston. We have an advisory board with very distinguished doctors and researchers who are experts in clinical applications and research in wasting and nutritional medicine. I was asked to join the Wasting Committee at the AIDS Clinical Trails Group (ACTG) in Washington, the largest HIV/AIDS research organization in the world. We also cosponsored the first International Conference on AIDS Wasting in Fort Lauderdale in November, 1997, with 27 speakers and 178 participants. And we have been able to do this with no federal funding and very limited educational grants. We feel that sometimes all it takes in life is fearless commitment. I truly believe that conviction, passion for what I believe in, and the love of all around me have kept me alive more than all the medicines I have taken. I also believe that HIV was not a "bad² coincidence in my life but one that enriched me and made me live fuller.

Peace and good health.

Body Positive Wellness Center
"We want to give this away," says Nelson Vergel about the Body Positive Wellness Center, which he started in three years ago as a place for HIV-positive women and men to come to work out, get nutritional counseling and supplements, stress management, and massage therapy. "We want to present Houston as a model, a prototype for the rest of the country."

Available at no charge or a minimal sliding scale, the center offers a rigorous 12-week program. Started in June 1998, 286 clients have gone through the Wellness Center's program, and 118 have graduated; only 6 percent have been women, and 29 percent non-white. Located at 3400 Montrose, the old Cody's building across from the Kroger's on Montrose, the 3,800-square-foot facility is so far the only one of its kind in the country.

Many people mistakenly think that the Wellness Center and Vergel's wellness program are all about steroids, a misconception that is no doubt bolstered by Vergel's bulked-out appearance. However, Vergel explains that only about 30 percent of the Wellness Center's clients are on any hormonal treatment. Besides which, the center does not give out steroids; that's all done through doctors.

Most HIV treatment has focused on drugs and symptom management. In contrast, the operating principle of the Wellness Center is that the best way to counter the disease is for HIV-positive people to work on staying healthy through exercise and nutrition. "Lean body mass is what keeps people alive," Vergel says.

Simple concept. But so far "wellness" is still so new a notion in HIV circles that the Ryan White Care Act (the primary federal funding source for HIV) doesn't have a classification for it. "Housing, drugs, education, all these are listed," Vergel says, "but they don't have a category for physical conditioning." However, thanks to advocacy work by Nelson and company, a classification of "rehabilitation services" may soon be added.

The center operates on a budget of $285,000 per year. (Vergel is on disability, and does not receive a salary.) Needing to move into a new facility, they may soon start another capital campaign to raise an additional $70,000. The phenomenal activity of the Wellness Center and of PoWeR is possible through the 19-member board, whose hardworking members help with everything, from PR to grant writing. Through the Wellness Center, the seminars, the research, and now the book, the message is getting out.

Built to Survive: A Comprehensive Guide to the Medical Use of Anabolic Steroids, Nutrition, and Exercise for HIV-Positive Men and Women
by Michael Mooney and Nelson Vergel
175 pp., $25.95, published by PoWeR
Available at the Houston Buyer's Club, 3400 Montrose, #605 (next to the Wellness Center), 713/520-5288, Mon.­Fri., 10 a.m.­6 p.m.