Out of Town

by Tim Brookover

VIVA VEGAS?

Britney can get a quickie wedding on the Strip. You can’t.

Thank goodness some of the nation’s prominent personalities are striving to preserve the sanctity of man-woman marriage (which obsesses politicians of both damn parties):

• Barely a year after their carnival wedding, Liza Minnelli and David Gest split. He has sued for alleged booze-fueled abuse. She counter-sued, accusing him of stealing.

• Though dead, segregationist right-winger Strom Thurmond caused a stir when the child he fathered with his family’s underage black maid made their relationship public. After siring the girl, Thurmond had kept her distant while marrying a woman—not his daughter’s mother—and starting another family, which was stunned by the new-sister revelation.

• Either out of champagne-besotted rebellion or just-for-fun kookiness, Britney Spears wedded childhood chum Jason Alexander in a 5:30 a.m. ceremony in Las Vegas. With some prompting by a livid Mama Spears, Britney signed annulment papers 55 hours later.

These sterling examples of nuptial propriety can get hitched, with all the rights and privileges afforded to state-sanctioned marriage. Naturally, we evil homos cannot, for surely our wicked, wicked ways would undermine marriage—perhaps driving impressionable heteros to behave like, well, Liza and David or Strom or Britney and Jason. We can’t have that, no sir.

If you are reading this magazine, you no doubt can’t pull a Britney and get a legal quickie wedding. Sorry. But you can wing to Vegas for Valentine’s Day and have a commitment ceremony, then stand on the Strip with a “Britney could get married. Why can’t we?” placard.

While in Vegas, men might want to check into the new gay-owned Blue Moon Resort. In addition to rooms and suites, this boys-only hotel (866/798-9194, www.bluemoonlv.com) features a Jacuzzi grotto with waterfall, steam room, and pool. During February, rates start at $99 per night ($159 for Valentine’s Day weekend). Warning, Britney impersonators: Blue Moon is not located on the Strip.

Women and those male couples not interested in other, well, male company might gravitate toward the Las Vegas Gay Hotel. Special deals include Got Married Last Night package, which offers a small cake and bubbly. Rates at the gay-owned spot (800/574-4450, www.lasvegasgayhotel.com) begin at $75 per night. A gay wedding, er, commitment ceremony chapel is located on the grounds.

The Little White Wedding Chapel, where a jeans-and-tummy-shirt-clad Ms. Spears launched her brief marriage, will not perform same-gender ceremonies. After all, we can’t have queers disrespecting the holiest of unions, can we?

Tim Brookover wrote about LaStrada in the December issue.

If you have any comments about this article, please email them to letters@outsmartmagazine.com.