Relationship as Growth, Relationship as Expression Taking our relationships past romance to a new, transcendent level by Joyce M. Gayles, Ph.D.

Most of us recognize that we are in a time of unprecedented change. We are talking about it in print media, on the Internet, with closest friends over coffee and lunch. We are in the energy of transformation. Our consciousness is changing, we are awakening to our true nature as beings in human form. And therefore, the ways in which we can experience life are no longer the old ways.

One of the most significant transformations I see is in the potentiality of our relationships to each other. We are moving from the arena of what I call "relationship as growth" to the arena of "relationship as expression." So, what does that mean? When we read the writings of well-known authors, such as Harville Hendrix or Barbara DeAngelis, and attend workshops based on their theories and processes, we have immersed ourselves in the energy of relationship as growth. Nothing bad about that! In fact, this pattern in human consciousness is still quite necessary. Relationship as growth is a powerful step in the healing and evolution of humans.

Relationship as Growth

Growth is always happening, even when we feel as though we are down, stuck, or going backward. The question is not whether we are changing, but how much awareness and conscious direction we can bring to that change.

Let’s take a look at the paradigm of relationship as growth. I have, for many years, envisioned this process as a spiraling experience, and give credit to Alan Cohen for inspiring this awareness, as expressed in his 1987 book The Healing of Planet Earth: Personal Power and Planetary Transformation, among other of his writings. We begin at the bottom of the spiral, the space of "not being in relationship." Here we feel a certain dissatisfaction and a desire to "be with someone." So, we move across the bottom rung of the spiral into relationship. We become involved in the magic of relationship, and we begin to devote major chunks of time and attention to participating in it, "making it work," and seeking our happiness in it. Sometimes, we have the sense that "things are working out," and sometimes it seems as if it’s not worth the effort. Yet, in this interchange, we are growing.

At some point, weeks, months or years into the relationship, we find that the experiences we are having no longer fit for us or we feel that this person is not really the person we want to be with. So, usually with great difficulty, we move toward being out of relationship again. Then, after a certain time, weeks, months, or years, we start to experience that sense of "something missing," and once again the desire to "be in relationship" begins to bubble to the surface of awareness. And so, it seems that this process can go on forever. Relationship after relationship after relationship. But let’s take a closer look at this most human path of relationship, and what it is under closer scrutiny.

The path of relationship as growth is not just an upward moving spiral. It is a spiraling cone–largest at it base and becoming more tightly coiled as it ascends. So, as we move in and out of relationship–over months, years, and lifetimes–something changes in us. We become transformed. We become transformed via the process of relationship as growth.

Relationship as Expression

At the very top of the cone, we move into what I call relationship as expression. Relationship as expression is an actual shift in the human relational paradigm. In the realm of relationship as experience, we are still learning and growing; however, the lessons are much more gentle because we are more attuned to our true nature as beings (in) human (form), and thus to the promptings of Spirit. The learnings we now experience occur more internally than externally. Largely gone are the dramatic and disruptive changes shown in images such as the Tower card of the Tarot, and in their place are the more subtle changes of the snake shedding its skin shown in the Death card of the Tarot. I remember here the lovely scene in the movie Cocoon in which the leading man demands to know the identity of the woman he is falling in love with. With some hesitation, she peels off the outer layer of her form to reveal the light being who is relating to him. And so we are, too, as we enter the realm of relationship as expression.

In the realm of relationship as expression, we are capable of healing duality. We begin to experience our wholeness and the wholeness of the other. Rather than having a sense of needing relationship to complete us, we come to relationship as complete. We no longer cut off or deny aspects of ourselves nor deny aspects of the other. We are no longer masculine or feminine, but both to some degree or another. We are no longer only attracted to men or to women; we are attracted to others regardless of gender. Sexual expression becomes fully physical and completely spiritual; it becomes pleasure, passion, and creation. We no longer are "seeing a dim reflection in a mirror. . . ," but are now "seeing face to face" (1 Corinthian 13:12). We recognize who we are, and we are recognized.

The forms that our relationships take when we are immersed in relationship as expression are multi-dimensional. We may stay with one person for a long period of time (even until death), realizing that most of what we could learn from other men or women is contained and available in the intimacy of this experience. Or we may choose to have experiences that invite many relational energies into our lives. Or we may do both. At this point, we are also likely to realize the paradox that we are always in relationship and also always single. We are the unique droplet of water and we are the vast ocean. Relationship as expression is the realm where we can know the realness of love and where true partnership becomes possible. We create levels of involvement with another that go beyond the limitations of romanticism and the constrictions of morality to become totally passionate and fully in truth.

When we are in the realm of relationship as expression, we know that we are dismantling the illusions that hide the truth of who we are. We know that we are limitless beings, and we know that we are coming together on the journey Home. Blessed be!

Joyce Gayles, Ph.D, is a clinical psychologist, success coach, and author. Her practice, TransformationWorks, is based in Houston. You can contact Joyce at Transworks@aol.com, or check out her website at www.Transformationworks.com.