Gay Dating 101 Many in the community come away frustrated and hurt from approaching dating from a "heterosexual" mindset. Here’s some basic training in this most basic–and scary–of endeavors by Daniel Garces

Mom was great at making cookies, showing me how to share, and mending my knee when I tried to jump trash cans. But, strangely enough, gay dating wasn’t her strong suit. In fact, I doubt Mom knew gay people dated until I started to bring the same guy around. I wonder what she would have said if, at 16, I had asked her about dating another man? After smelling salts, she would probably have offered something. But, would it have helped? Like so many of us, Mom never thought about gay dating or how it might be different from her own–heterosexual–relationship. All she knew was what she experienced and learned living in a small Texas town. Sure, there are similarities between gay and straight dating. But, that wasn’t what kept impeding my relationships. I was stumped by the more specific and subtle issues that arise out of dating someone of the same sex. After all these years, here’s what I imagine Mom would have said if she had known.

First, the bumper sticker says it best: "Rush is wrong." Give yourself time to find the right one. Remember, we’re looking for quality, not quantity. Now if you’re out looking to hook up and have a good time, that’s one thing. But, when it comes to finding true love–Take Your Time. You’ll be better off in the end. Take ’em out for a spin around the block, bounce on the seat awhile, look under the hood...and make sure you know a bit about the prior drivers and why they chose to trade in. Can you live with the dents and color? Because, once you buy, don’t expect to turn a Yugo into a Cadillac. When it comes to choosing a partner, you need to ask yourself: "Can I live with this person...just the way they are?" This is a drive-off-the-lot-as-is deal.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: This is good advice for any relationship. True. But, keep in mind, gay and lesbian people often rush into relationships looking for love, friendship, community, and acceptance–all at the same time. This creates a lot of pressure to move quickly into intimate relationships.

How do you know if you’re rushing? Ask yourself these questions: Have I found and kept a circle of friends? Do I feel part of the community? Am I comfortable in the community? Am I feeling okay about being gay? If you answered "no" to any of these, then you’re rushing and may be using your relationship as a way to satisfy your need for community. This often places undue pressure on a relationship to satisfy more than the need to be loved. At best, it may be a stress that your relationship adjusts to over time. At worse, it may overstress your relationship and cause it to end before it truly had a chance. Ease off the gas; give yourself time to enjoy the ride. Find out who you are and what side of the road you drive on before you crash into oncoming traffic.

Second, keep in mind that everyone has a different coming-out experience. If you’re straight, you never question your orientation or come to self-awareness that you’re different from "everyone" else. If you’re gay, you come to this understanding first. Then you realize you may not be whom you assumed yourself to be. And then you begin the difficult process of sorting out which you are: gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender.

Some people are lucky, disclose their orientation, and end up in a PFLAG support group with their parents by the end of the month. Others end up out on the street struggling to find a safe place to stay...on top of trying to accept themselves. And still others never reveal a word to anyone and never allow themselves to act on their natural desires. Gay people come in all shapes, sizes, and levels of self-acceptance. Having sex is the easy part. Being comfortable with yourself and living in a society that doesn’t secure your basic human rights is tough. People react differently to this challenge. Don’t assume that your partner shares the same level of self-acceptance as you–this can be a big mistake. Have you ever reached for her hand in public, only to have it quickly pulled away? Have you ever placed your arm around him only to hear you’re being "too affectionate"? Have you ever heard "no fems" or "no butches, please"? If so, then you know how frustrating this can be.

Remember that you have the right to express your affection any way you desire. But, if it’s not well received, then you’re going to have problems. Don’t assume just because someone is older, or has been out longer, that they are more secure in their orientation. And definitely don’t assume they will "catch up" with you someday. What you need to ask yourself is: Can you live with it the way it is? Or do you need to move on?

Finally, keep in mind that few people get it right the first time. When your little sister started dating, no one expected her to meet her husband and get married right away. Why then do we rush ourselves into finding that true love? Dating is a skill that takes time to develop. Sure, you may have come out later in life and know more about yourself–you might even be set in a career and have your own home. But, dating is a skill that involves more than just adult competence. It involves your emotions. Remember the first time you kissed someone of the same sex? It felt different, didn’t it? When emotions are involved, it becomes a challenge to navigate relationships. Have you found yourself doing something your head was telling you not to? Are you finding you can’t live without someone you only just met? If so, then you need to develop a way to handle these deeper-felt emotions.

Our first experiences tend to overwhelm us with emotions that have been pent up for years. Give yourself permission to sort these out and make mistakes. In time, you’ll develop a better balance between your head and heart. And your relationships will improve naturally for it.

One day society will recognize our relationships and begin to discuss more openly our community’s issues and concerns. The differences we experience as gay people will come to light, and an open dialogue on the gay experience will begin to surface. Then society will come to realize the unique challenges that face gay people in their daily lives. We will begin to see moms better prepared to guide us though dating. Mom will know that our experience of dating is different than heterosexuals, and that we need time to sort this experience out. Until that day arrives, we need to learn from one another and share our common experiences. Remember, we are all family and can nurture one another. Love is universal. The experience of love is not.

Therapist Daniel Garces sees individuals, couples, and groups at his Montrose office. He can be reached at dan77006@yahoo.com or www.dansmnd.net.

OutSmart Magazine's Partner site on gay dating is Requestadate.com!