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Relationships,
Imagine!
The Imago Model explains why your lovers keep driving
you crazy—and why you should thank them for it
by
Patrick Vachon, LMSW-ACP
 here
is not one word that creates tremor in people more than
the word "relationships." Sometimes we desire them,
sometimes we detest them. We obsess about not having
one, followed by a strategy to get out of one. Extreme
and difficult in the most normal of times, Valentine's
Day focuses a spotlight on these pinings and passions,
making them even more unbearable and acute.
Historically,
men and women have joined together for tribal, cultural,
political, or economic purposes. However, as religious,
political, and economic shifts began to occur during
the 15th century, so did the purposes for connection
in committed relationships. Romantic love began to be
the reason for partnership. Gay relationships follow
along this same course, with perhaps even more of an
emphasis on that starry ideal of Romantic Love. As a
culture, we've become addicted to the love drug. But
believe it or not, romantic love is actually just a
hollow preview of the possibilities of an intimate,
conscious relationship.
The
model that I have been trained and operate from both
personally and professionally is known as Imago Relationship
Therapy. Initially developed by Harville Hendrix, author
of many books in the area of relationships including
Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples and Keeping
the Love You Find: A Guide For Singles, Imago presents
an understandable and practical approach to maximizing
the potential in all human relationships.
"We
are born in relationship, we are wounded in relationship,"
says Hendrix. "And we must heal in relationship." No
matter how splendid a childhood we had, everyone acquires
psychic wounds that keep us from being happy, fulfilled,
and loving adults. However, Imago theory teaches us
how we can use our adult relationships to heal these
childhood scars. Of course, Imago did not invent the
way to have a healthy relationship: It just describes
the process and developed some techniques to help people
in the places we often get stuck.
According
to Imago theory, when we are attracted to a potential
love partner, we're actually picking the perfect person
to help us work through our wounds from childhood. Whether
gay or straight, female or male, we tend to be drawn
to someone who is a reasonable facsimile of the person
or people who wounded us in childhood. The combined
traits, both negative and positive, of our male and
female caretakers from childhood form what is called
our Imago. These Caretaker Traits become our "love script"
as we begin a search for a partner.
Once
we have found our Imago match, the relationship journey
continues in fairly predictable stages. First is the
"Romantic Love Stage," which is generally fairly short,
lasting three to six months. This stage might be significantly
shorter or a little longer depending on factors such
as geographic distance, previous relationship history,
or level of childhood wounding. An interesting note
is that as people cycle through relationships, the romantic
love stage seems to become shorter. This stage is followed
by the "Power Struggle" phase, which can and often does
last for a long time, generally ending in emotional
and or physical separation. The third stage is the state
of a "Conscious Relationship." It is in this stage that
we can maximize the potential of the relationship that
our unconscious has methodically sought out.
The
3 stages of relationship
Romantic
Love: An altered state of consciousness
Most
of us know too well about the Romantic Love Stage, the
much-sought-after state of "falling in love" period.
This stage is characterized by a state of euphoria,
excitement, and ecstasy. With the injection of "Cupid's
Arrow," we often slip into a state of unconsciousness,
staying up late, wanting to play more and work less,
spending money we don't have, or calling our newfound
"love" many times a day. Connection is the prime objective
and all other agendas seem insignificant. We will often
neglect our physical body, spend less time with family
or friends, and have little or no interest in our jobs
or careers.
This
Romantic Stage of relationships is in fact an altered
state of consciousness. Blinded by love, we enter a
state of denial, which is necessary for the process
to continue. We deny the negative traits of our new
partner while magnifying the positives. Our friends
might say things like, "Don't you think she drinks a
bit too much?" "Isn't he a bit controlling?" or "He
sure is mean to you." You are all the while making excuses:
"He's had a hard week" or "She's just having a rough
day." We are quite literally drugged by a surge of endorphins
and adrenaline. The prime directive of this phase is
in fact to get two people who are incompatible (more
later) to be blinded long enough to make an intimate
connection. Once the connection and some form of commitment
is established, the couple has the potential to do some
incredible healing and growth. There is only one problem.
Most of us are unaware of the underlying relationship
agenda to heal our wounds and become scared when the
shift occurs.
As
with all drugs, the effects of the drug of Cupid's Arrow
eventually wear off and we are faced with the realities
of the relationship that we have created. It sometimes
feels like someone has entered in the middle of the
night and stolen the person that we first fell in love
with. We often begin to feel that we have "married our
parents." If you have ever been in a relationship where
you have thought or said things like, "You treat me
just like a child," "You act just like my mother," or
"You sound just like my father," then you have successfully
accomplished the initial stage of relationships. Congratulations!
The
good news: Romantic Love is supposed to happen. The
bad news: Romantic Love is supposed to end. Little or
no healing or growth is likely to occur within a relationship
when the couple is in Romantic Love. After all, how
much growth can occur when someone is intoxicated? The
drug itself inherently limits our capacities to grow.
That is not to say that we don't experience it as fun.
In fact, our culture glorifies it; as a society we have
become "addicted to love." Many people jump from one
romantic love relationship to the next; disillusioned
when the romance ends, they begin a new search for a
new romantic high.
The
Power Struggle: Sleeping with the enemy
Once
the drug has significantly worn off for one or both
partners, the second stage of relationships begins.
Say hello to the "Power Struggle."
During
the Romantic Love phase we generally see our partners
from a positive perspective. We tend to be blinded to
the negatives, or at least discount them enough to remain
connected. When the Power Struggle begins there is a
tendency to negate the positives and see mainly the
negatives. In fact the very traits of our partner that
caused us to fall for them in the first place will likely
begin to drive us crazy in the Power Struggle Phase.
The man I originally admired for his "calmness, stability,
and groundedness" during the Romantic Love phase, I
might suddenly be wondering what I saw in this boring
dork. If you were attracted to that lively, outgoing
woman you met at the Rainbow Club, you may be feeling
embarrassed by how loud and pushy she suddenly seems.
Elation
and excitement have flip-flopped to frustration and
often despair. The experience of people in the Power
Struggle stage is often reported as like walking in
a mine field--or being a mine field Our triggers and
buttons are being pushed every which way. Issues that
we overlooked in the Romantic Love stage become frighteningly
apparent.
These
land mines feel very real. What couples don't yet realize
is that the mines were planted many years ago and are
a result of those unmet needs and childhood wounds.
The potential in intimate love relationships is to locate
these land mines and disarm them. To locate them, however,
it is generally necessary to trip over them first. If
unaddressed, the Power Struggle becomes a continual
bombardment of exploding mines, often resulting in some
missing arms and legs--or at least some further wounding
of all those hurt parts of our psyche.
If
the Power Struggle continues unchecked, there are fairly
predictable outcomes. Many couples adapt by living a
parallel relationship. On the surface these relationships
may appear non-conflictual and fairly peaceful. They
are sometimes the couples that are in long-term relationships
but rarely connect. In reality, the couple has adapted
with an "I do my thing, you do yours" attitude, an unspoken
agreement of "don't stir the pot." They may live in
the same house and sleep in the same bed, but true connection
rarely occurs. The communication is generally limited
to the essentials of day-to-day living. Problems are
not addressed, conflict is avoided.
A
second outcome is what we call the hot relationship,
with an endless cycle of explosive fighting and reconciling.
These relationships have the potential of being very
intense, both in the conflict of separation and the
passion of reconciliation. Unconsciously, one or both
partners may be picking fights so that the reconnecting
energy might occur. Although this results in at least
momentary closeness (and sometimes great sex), the intimacy
proves a transitory illusion as the cycle continues
once again.
A
final way to adapt to the Power Struggle is to end the
relationship. Many couples go through years of ongoing,
low-level conflict, pain, and distance, which they never
address on a conscious level. This ongoing negative
energy creates a variety of defensive postures which
further separation. Usually, one partner reaches a threshold
and terminates the relationship.
We
may have unconsciously picked our partners to recreate
the hurtful patterns and damage of our original caretaker,
so that we may heal these old bruises. But, being unconscious,
when the pain and land mines start in, the most common
response is ... defense! Different people defend themselves
either by fight, flight, freezing, or submission (roll
over and play dead). Although these forms of defense
are attempts to gain safety within the relationship,
they don't address the origin of the pain, and generally
just produce distance.
There
are certainly times of real danger when distance is
necessary to secure one's safety. But most of our defensive
reactions are out of proportion to the real threat.
In general these defense postures were learned many
years ago in our childhood when they were actually effective.
Unfortunately these same postures now limit and sabotage
our adult relationships. We create what we defend against;
defensiveness always creates more defensiveness unless
the other party has the consciousness to stop the attack.
If we see our partner as the enemy we will likely treat
them that way, and be treated that way in return. This
cycle must cease if the relationship is to move in a
healing healthy direction.
The
Conscious Relationship: Break up or breakthrough?
Unfortunately
most couples break up just before the breakthrough.
Like a good workout at the gym, the most growth occurs
at the final repetitions of the exercise. This is also
the point that most people want to quit, exhausted.
There is, however, another option: Take the relationship
to the next level, the stage of Conscious Relationship.
What a tremendous innate potential is possible when
two people come together with mutual dignity, respect,
and commitment to healing and growth.
To
create a Conscious Relationship, Imago teaches a process
of dialogue and stretching. Lovers must first and foremost
establish safety. Easier said than done. To help keep
partners from squaring off into their accustomed defensive
positions, the Imago method teaches a technique called
an "intentional dialogue," which is really just solid
compassionate listening. When discussing a conflict
or trauma, each partner expresses what they feel, and
then tries to repeat back what the other says, validating
the other's reality, although not necessarily agreeing
with them. As the partners discuss each other's feelings,
each should remember that their partner is just reacting
from patterns they learned as children that kept them
safe and alive. As we better understand and empathize
with our partner, we find that self-knowledge follows.
The two partners start to see how each contributes to
the collective drama: the drama that is their relationship,
the psychic drama of each person's journey to awareness
and well-being.
But
even with open, safe dialogue, change is still almost
stubbornly difficult. There is generally a myth in relationships
that partners don't change or meet each other's needs
because they don't want to. Although this is sometimes
the case, it is the rare exception. Instead, in Imago
therapy we've seen that one person's greatest need within
the relationship is always met with the other person's
greatest defense. Usually we've specifically picked
someone who has trouble meeting our needs because of
their own childhood wounds. And, it is in these situations
that the true potential of a relationship exists, as
we "stretch" beyond our learned defensive patterns.
In
moving from talking to doing, the Imago method next
teaches partners a process for "stretching." Through
the intentional dialogue, you ask your partner for several
"behavior changes," ways you'd like to see him or her
change within the relationship to meet your needs--knowing
that it's going to be difficult because of their past
wounding. Choosing one of your requests, your partner
then slowly stretches through their resistance against
giving it. Like the gym analogy, muscle growth must
occur slowly. If someone tries to lift too much too
fast, the body will resist and collapse. Likewise, if
emotional change is attempted too fast, the emotional
body will resist. And slowly and methodically, the one
having the need begins to get it met, while the partner
who has the resistance begins to grow through their
defensive posture.
Amazingly,
as couples experience this win/win exuberance of healing
and growth, they stop seeing conflict as a burden, and
shift to the viewpoint that "conflict is growth trying
to happen." Our genius selves picked those partners
with which we'll find conflict, and now our compassionate
and wise selves can use that conflict to heal the places
where we're stuck and hurt and not living a full and
loving life.
The
safety and dropping of defenses only builds. Contrary
to much of our childhood learning, defenselessness in
a "conscious relationship" contributes to more vulnerability
and honesty, which leads to increased safety. "In my
defenselessness my safety lies." Once safety is established,
joy and connectedness follow. Instead of a blind romance
doomed to speedy failure, or a violent and numb destructive
marriage, we can create an intimacy that is physically,
emotionally, sexually, spiritually, playfully, and intellectually
alive, and use our brilliant relationship to reframe
our lives and our journey to self-actualization.
Patrick
J. Vachon is in private practice as a clinical social
worker in Houston; his counseling and his workshops
focus on relationship work using the IMAGO Model. He
can be reached at VachonPJ@AOL.com.
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