Humor
Thanks for Sharing
By Sally Sheklow

Hello. I don’t mean to pry, but I’m sensitive to details, and I’m picking up from some comments you made, and the ring you’re wearing, that you might be heterosexual? I know it’s none of my business, but I knew some heterosexuals in high school, and I never had the nerve to ask them about their lives. I didn’t want to embarrass them or anything. So I was wondering if you’d be willing to share, to talk about what it’s like being straight.

Did your family have a problem with it? What was it like telling them? Did they reject you? Are they nice to your–what is it you people call your partners?–your spouse? Oh, husband and wife, that’s a cute term. You look like you could be brother and sister! You probably get that all the time. Anyway, have you ever felt discriminated against? Has anyone actually singled you out and made fun of you, or treated you differently? Did you ever wish you could take a pill and not be straight anymore?

I, for one, think it’s great. People should be themselves. But some people are uncomfortable with certain aspects of it. Nobody wants their kids around heterosexuals–you know, the child molestation thing and all. Naturally, we’re protective. You can understand that, can’t you? I’m glad you’re not militant about it, not shoving it down anyone’s throat the way some of them do.

I know this is personal, but I don’t have any other way to find these things out. We didn’t touch on the straight lifestyle in college psychology class. I thought the Deviant Behavior chapter would have covered it. But those uptight professors were too embarrassed, so they skipped it. If you don’t mind, I’d really like to ask you something. I have always wondered what it’s like living in a dual-gendered household. I can’t imagine it. I mean, what do you do about the toilet seat? Up? Down? I’ll bet that takes some getting used to. I don’t know if I could do it.

And what about going out? That’s got to be tough. How do you feel at parties where you’re the only mixed couple there? Are your friends OK with it? Do they mind if you dance together? It must be hard always having the same partner lead. Do people stare at you? Or do you go ahead and do it anyway? That is so brave! I really admire you. A lot of places ignore mixed couples now, so you can pretty much get away with it, can’t you?

Deep down, we’re really all the same, aren’t we? Hell, I don’t care what you do in the privacy of your own bedroom. I don’t even want to think about it. But why do some straight people have to flaunt it all the time? I’m not prejudiced, I think everyone should live and let live. Don’t you? A person can’t help it if they’re straight, or an alcoholic, or whatever.

Hey, I have a heterosexual cousin in Omaha–a lot of you are from there, aren’t you? I was wondering if maybe you knew her. She’s single and doesn’t know where to go to meet people. I’ll bet you know where the straight bar is there, don’t you? Gee, it must be hard trying to find a partner, or to even have the self-esteem to get out there and meet people. I never thought about that. The straight community has its own church, doesn’t it? I wonder if I could come along sometime and see what you do. I think I’d be OK being around all those straight people. As long as none of them tried to make a pass at me! Ha ha, just kidding.

But seriously, I’ve been mistaken for straight before. Once I saw a straight person I thought was very attractive. That doesn’t make me straight, does it?