I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: no matter how cynical I get, I just can’t keep up. Last week I found myself wondering why I don’t buy more piñatas, because right now I’d love to beat the holy crap out of something and then sit in the grass and eat candy. That’s better therapy than talking to those therapists who make you wait for an appointment. A piñata is always ready when you are.
I think Costco ought to sell piñatas in bulk. You could have a dozen lined up in your living room to not only spice up your decor, but also provide a safe outlet to vent your rage in a way that doesn’t land you in front of a judge. And, as I mentioned, there’s candy afterwards.
My point is that calming the hell down could help everybody right about now.
For example, now we learn that as people were peacefully demonstrating in front of the White House following George Floyd’s murder, Trump seriously asked his advisors why he couldn’t order the armed guards to shoot them. Then, after seeing the stunned faces of the actual humans in the room, Trump hid his cloven hooves and clarified, “Just shoot them in the legs, or something?”
Not to be outdone in the Republican Tough-Guy Sweepstakes, Texas Governor Greg Abbott has decided that Texas should be able to declare war on Mexico.
The newspapers reported that Abbott is considering a plan to declare illegal migration at the Texas border an “invasion,” and then invoke war powers to tackle the crisis. That would be a direct challenge to the federal government’s authority over the nation’s borders.
Abbott’s plan ignores the slight problem that Texas doesn’t have an army. Or a “well-regulated militia,” for that matter. Hell, the University of Texas doesn’t even have much of a football team this year, so I wouldn’t count on any orange linemen to hold the front line along the Rio Grande.
Darlin’, we don’t even have reliable electricity in Texas, and the governor admits it. But he has the money to declare war on Mexico?
“By day or night, that man ain’t bright, deep in the heart of Texas.”
Hell, Abbott couldn’t even win a war against Oklahoma, because they have electricity.
The next piñata I need is to help me cope
with Georgia Congressvarmint Majorie Taylor Greene.
She’s got less class than Beanie-Weenie Night at the bowling alley. She’s gone out and bought herself a pimpmobile—a $92,000 “campaign car” she purchased using money that supporters donated to her campaign (a significant portion of which comes from retired people who have sacrificed to support her).
It’s kinda hard to figure out which model she bought, but it’s gotta be the most expensive pickup truck at any dealership in Georgia.
The dealership she says she used has admitted that their most expensive truck is priced in the low $80s.
So I’ve done the math for you, and devised a list of Greene’s likely add-ons that would explain her truck’s ridiculous price tag:
• An ammo storage compartment ($3,000)
• A high-powered hair dryer and hairspray dispensers ($900)
• A tattoo equipment cabinet ($2,000)
• A fully-stocked S&M dungeon ($4,000)
• Loudspeakers mounted on the roof, to enable her hate speech to be heard for a mile in every direction ($1,000)
• An animated pop-up neon middle finger with “Eat This!” written on it, to flash at any vehicles passing by with a “Go, Beto!” bumper sticker ($250)
Happy Pride, Sweetie Pies! Until next month, let’s all ponder the possibility that nachos are just tacos that haven’t gotten their lives together yet.
This article appears in the June 2022 edition of OutSmart magazine.