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All Tuckered Out

Tired of all those annoying “Karens”? Try a few of the male variety.

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As you know, the name “Karen” is now the moniker given to straight, semi-wealthy white women of privilege—those holier-than-thou types who will solemnly swear on a stack of Bibles that there’s no such a thing as “white privilege.” This new breed of soccer moms and social butterflies would also claim that $2,400 a month can certainly support a family of four, if only that lazy mother would just clip coupons.

Let me stop right here and point out that I have some beloved friends named Karen, and I feel real bad for them right about now because none of them are those Karens. It’s a sad day for all of you normal Karens, who had no control over the name your mamas came up with.

But what the hell—it’s 2020, and everybody’s got something, ya know? There’s plenty of “deal with it” sentiment going around—I’ve got a couple of bucket loads myself. For example, my Aunt Thelma observes that old people aren’t quarantined to keep the COVID away—they’ve simply stopped going outside because that would mean “they’d have to deal with it.” They’ve already dealt with the Vietnam War, two Bushes in the White House, the disco craze, New Coke, and having to figure out what those darn kids mean when they say “OK, Boomer.” That’s enough.

Speaking of 2020, up until this year I thought the Dark Web was whatever appeared on the second page of a Google search. Have you heard about those scary places on the Internet machine that specialize in making bat-crap-unhinged people even more unhinged?

Anyway, back to the Karens. Aunt Thelma and I were having a discussion last weekend about what name we would give to a male Karen. We tossed around a few ideas and came up with one that seems to work like a charm.

Tucker.

The advantage of calling them “Tucker” is that there are very few men named Tucker, so innocent people don’t get hurt. Also, everybody knows the annoying Fox News Tucker, who is a perfect Karen in a bow tie and an expensive haircut. Plus, he has his own teevee show where he can shout and look offended over all manner of manufactured outrages.

So Aunt Thelma and I are going with “Tucker.”

Honestly though, we had to chuckle when Tucker Carlson opined that it was “probably illegal” for Joe Biden to narrow the parameters of his VP search and focus only on women—and maybe only on Black women.

“For what could very well be the most important job on Earth, Biden has decided to hire exclusively on the basis of qualities that are both immutable and completely irrelevant: race and gender,” Carlson huffed.

Yes indeed—after those other 48 vice presidents were selected by narrowing the parameters down to straight, white, and male.

Of course, Tucker ignores the fact that Biden was actually considering many types of women—Elizabeth Warren, for starters. But no, our Tucker wants those white males, dammit! And they’d better be straight, have good hair, and look and think exactly like Tucker Carlson.

Additionally, Tucker’s verbal attacks on Dr. Anthony Fauci have inspired some of his viewers to make actual physical threats on Fauci, who bravely announced that “I’m not concerned about what Tucker says. I think you could say that when he does that, it triggers some of the crazies in society to start threatening me—actually threatening, which actually happens. I mean, who would have thought, when I was in medical school doing things to save people’s lives, that I’d [end up having to] go around with a security detail? That’s really ridiculous.”

Yes indeedy, Aunt Thelma, we’re going with “Tucker.”

Until next month, I need to ask y’all if I’m the only person who gets out of my car, walks ten yards, and then turns around and yells, “Oh crap, my mask!” You’d think I was damn Batman or something.

This article appears in the September 2020 edition of OutSmart magazine.

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Susan Bankston

Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at juanitajean.com.

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