Not Just Dumb

. . . but fancy-dumb.

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It’s on Tape: Arizona State Senator Sylvia Allen says, “We are not reproducing oursevles, the birth rates. It’s because of immigration.”

Arizona Republican State Senator Sylvia Allen is off on a tear. She is ten pounds of pissed-off in a five-pound bag, Honey.

She found herself at the state’s Republican Party headquarters speaking to the “Mormon Political Pioneers.” I would like to stop right here and thank Sweet Jesus that I have never been asked to speak to that group, and particularly at that location. In the future, any time I start feeling sorry for myself, I will say, “Yeah, Babe, but at least you ain’t havin’ to speak to the Mormon Political Pioneers at the Republican headquarters in sizzling damn Arizona.”

After Allen warmed up her audience by using the phrase “the browning of America” (and Child, she does not mean tanning beds), she said (and yes, it’s all on tape): “We needed to be able to control our immigration process so that we have time to assimilate people into our society and economic system. Jobs, housing, education, and healthcare. Plus, to be able to teach them about the American form of government. The median age of a white woman is 43. The median age of a Hispanic woman is 27. We are not reproducing ourselves, the birth rates. It’s because of immigration.”

Now, we don’t ask Dewayne and Thelma in Crapcrack, Alabama, not to have babies until we can assimilate them and teach them not to pick their noses at the dinner table. (That’s a law worth considering, however, since it would make dining out in Alabama much more enjoyable.)

State Senator Sylvia’s speech wasn’t just plain dumb. It was fancy-dumb. It was dumb with pecans in it. It was the winner of the French National Dumb Day, with an advanced degree in Chemical Dumbography. It was like carrying a 50-foot dumb hose while eating dumbalicious on a stick . . . oh please, Sweet Jesus, somebody stop me.

When the tape of Allen’s comments was released, she claimed she was just talking about the fact that some South American countries are “socialist” and we need to “retrain” the next generation on how America works. She also said that we needed to make sure we had jobs for them before we let them in to the country. I guess what she means is that they’re okay if you need some yard work or roofing done. You could just go down to the border and borrow an immigrant for the day.

She further defended her comments by explaining that there’s a book named The Browning of America by Dr. James Johnson.  But we know she didn’t read it, because the book actually explains that immigrants give more to America than they take. But somehow, the title of his book caused her imagination to run wild. (Did I mention she watches dumb on her cable with TiVo Dumbamotion?)

Now, if all this has a familiar ring to it, that’s because this isn’t Sylvia Allen’s first trip to the beauty salon.

Nope, she’s the same Sylvia who wanted to make church attendance on Sundays mandatory. And as we learned earlier, she’s the same woman who clutches her pearls over socialism.

What’s more, she thinks the Earth is 6,000 years old. Period. No arguing allowed. Those old dinosaur bones? God put them there to test your faith because, apparently, he’s a clever prankster.

Now we finally come to why I’m telling you this story. I spent some time this weekend with a longtime friend who has been pondering on this religious stuff and all of these new Super Deluxe-brand Christians. She said that she believes the religious right sees America the same way they see heaven: it can’t be paradise if everybody gets to go.

I think she’s right. They need their country-club heaven and their exclusive America so they can have more people to look down on.

This article appears in the September 2019 edition of OutSmart magazine. 


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Susan Bankston

Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at

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