Donald Trump’s much-hyped ABC News Special flopped in the ratings last month. Trump got 3.9 million viewers, while Celebrity Family Feud got 6.1 million.
I guess Trump’s viewership numbers depend on what caliber of celebrities are on the Family Feud. Is it the B List or the B-minus list? The B-minus list would include celebrities who haven’t been in a movie in 10 years, haven’t recovered from a scandal yet, have been in a movie in the past five years but you don’t remember who they are—or a celebrity who has been in a movie in the past five years, has recovered from a scandal, and you know who he is but it’s still Mel Gibson.
I suggest we all offer thoughts and prayers that Steve Harvey won’t get elected as our next president. After all, he’s already out-polling Trump.
I don’t suspect it would be all that hard to beat Trump in the ratings. His supporters are generally watching either the Home Shopping Network or binge-watching Tom Selleck commercials about reverse mortgages.
So, this month we have . . .
TV Shows Trump Would Lose in the Ratings To
• Semi-Professional Monkey Bowling
• Thelma Sue’s Cooking on the Hot Pavement at Noon (the episode where Thelma Sue visits a Beaumont parking lot,mwith special guest Guy Fieri in a Speedo).
• All-Doilies Antiques Roadshow
• Bunny Farm NCIS
• American Nose Pickers
• Washington D.C. Lie-Off (the final round, between everybody who ever met Jeffrey Epstein. Okay, we have to stop right here and ask if you’ve heard Trump lawyer Alan Dershowitz say that sure, he had a massage at Jeffrey Epstein’s house where underage girls were paid to provide sexual massages, but here’s the deal: Dershowitz shouldn’t be judged because he kept his underwear on during the massage. Oh dear. Go sit in the truck, Dershowitz.)
• The X-Files Remake (starring the cast of Frazier)
• Frazier Remake (starring the cast of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo)
• Threesome Hymn Jubilee at the Holy Mother Tabernacle of Fire
• Anything with Captain Kangaroo
• Willie Wonka and the Dildo Factory
• Larry and His Assault Rifle vs. Clyde and His Flame Thrower (live from Fester, Alabama)
• Love It or List It or Call Your Mother (you never call your mother)
• Fixer Upper Flips Every House in Waco
With Republicans controlling the Senate, combined with Houston’s weather in August, I could die tonight in my sleep, go directly to hell, and wake up tomorrow without ever noticing the difference.
So the next time someone asks you, “Is it hot enough for you?” you can give them a Texas answer: It’s . . . hot enough to melt dirt, hotter than the Houston mayor’s race, so hot we had to feed the chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs, hot as high-school love, so hot that potatoes are baking in the ground, and so hot that you need pot holders to turn your steering wheel.
And lastly, Republicans are outraged and clutching their pearls that we would have the gall to call their Hispanic Children’s Prison a concentration camp. It’s a concentration camp. However, if it would make them happier, we could call it a sparkling moral atrocity.
Try to celebrate August in Houston by staying tied to an air conditioner all month. See you in September!
This article appears in the August 2019 edition of OutSmart magazine.