Do whatever it is you do to prepare yourself for crazy crap, because some-damn-body has opened up the weird spigot full blast.
Last month, we learned that Ambien can make you a racist, and that it probably also makes your inauguration crowd appear larger than it really is. We also learned that our president went to North Korea with all the good intentions of a flaming dumpster possum.
We learned that WalletHub ranked Texas 47th on its list of the safest states to live in. The study compared various safety indicators across all 50 states, examining data on assaults, mass shootings, thefts, murders, traffic fatalities, climate disasters, catfish attacks, feather boa accidents, Christmas-decoration glitter overdose, lethal whiffs of Eau de Redneck, and more.
Texas came in 47th, just above Oklahoma, Louisiana, and Mississippi. So, not only are we unsafe, we are surrounded by places even more risky than we are. That’s not comforting in the damn least.
I don’t think this study included the fact that there are 157 different kinds of snakes in Texas, and 151 of them can kill you out of nothing more than spite. It also did not include all of our “Hold my beer and watch this” moments, but I think we’d have taken first place in that. And don’t forget that more people in Texas are killed watching Monster Truck Pulls than there are monster trucks.
However, we did take first place in the number of uninsured citizens. Thanks, Governor Abbott!
And we learned that Rudy Giuliani is a sumbitch. Last month, he gave me a vicious case of the rage. Honey, I was so mad that I could have talked water into a boil at 40 paces. I could have gotten a speeding ticket while I was parked.
Aside from a few damns and hells, I don’t cuss much because Momma still has a bar of soap and can catch me from behind. However, I found myself strongly inclined to grab my hot-pink megaphone, go stand in my front yard, and holler as loud as I can, “F–k Giuliani! Just f–k that rotten sumbitch!” at all my Republican neighbors until they called the police and had me arrested so I could go to jail and get local newspaper headlines so the whole damn town would know that we should f–k Giuliani. It was a plan. I had a plan.
First they tell me that Rudy, an impotent old man, decided to poke a stick at Kim Jong-un. The Wall Street Journal reported, “President Donald Trump’s lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, said North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got ‘on his hands and knees and begged’ for their summit to be held after Mr. Trump canceled it in May.”
I don’t know if Kim has a megaphone and Republican neighbors, so he’s probably going to bomb something. I’ve got my plan, he’s surely got his.
Then it got worse. Rudy decides that he should pass judgment on Stormy Daniels.
“The business you were in entitles you to no degree of giving your credibility any weight,” Giuliani said of Daniels. “Explain to me how she could be damaged. I mean, she has no reputation. If you’re going to sell your body for money, you just don’t have a reputation. I may be old-fashioned.”
Giuliani also said he respects porn stars, but not “the way I respect a career woman or a woman of substance or a woman who isn’t going to sell her body for sexual exploitation.”
He’s a sleazy lawyer, y’all, and he’s looking down on a porn star? It is common knowledge among the clergy that lawyers don’t get to look down on anybody.
No, Rudy, you’re not old-fashioned. You’re just bat-crap crazy. Sane people don’t even think like that, much less say it out loud. I mean, you gotta dump two levels of the Hierarchy of Needs to get to Rudy’s place. Honey, B.F. Skinner couldn’t find him with a one-lane maze and a pound of gouda.
Look, John “Get Off My Lawn” McCain is just a crazy old man. Rudy is eight shades of gray past that. Rudy is at the “it’s irresponsible to put him on teevee because somebody is gonna get hurt” level.
And think about this: you’ve got a shyster lawyer questioning the morals of a porn star? Really?
Happy July, when steering wheels are so damn hot that you drive with potholders.
This article appears in the July 2018 edition of OutSmart magazine.