Exclusive: president’s daily White House schedule leaked.
A judge has sentenced Martin Shkreli (aka “Pharma Bro”) to seven years in federal prison and ordered him to pay $7.3 million in fines. You remember, I am sure, that Shkreli acquired ownership of an HIV drug and raised the price from $13.50 to $750 overnight. Then he laughed publicly about how rich he was going to get. By the way, that’s a 5,600 percent increase. I think they should also increase Shkreli’s prison time by 5,600 percent, for no damn reason at all.
Oddly, the HIV drug scam is not what Shkreli is going to prison for, although it’s hard to believe he actually did something worse than this. Instead, he was convicted of securities fraud. So, here’s the deal: he’s going to jail for defrauding rich people. If we had laws that mandated jail time for people who exploited the poor and the vulnerable, then a whole lot of other rich people would be in jail, too.
In other news, as you probably know, Donald Trump wakes up in a new world every day. Honey, I’m telling you he’s so forgetful that he can hide his own Easter eggs. Seriously, he could also lose a bar of soap inside a washrag.
So to help the president, White House staff members made him a daily schedule and taped it to his bathroom door so he’ll know what to do next.
Trump’s Daily White House Schedule:
8 a.m.: Wake up and viciously assault Twitter. Repeatedly.
8:30 a.m.: Look in the bathroom mirror and ask, “Who’s your president for life? Who’s a good boy?”
8:45 a.m.: Do whatever it is that you do with your hair. We really don’t want to know, because it appears to involve things that PETA, the National Hairdressers Association, and even the duct-tape industry would strongly object to.
9 a.m.: Watch Fox & Friends and know in your heart that they truly are your best friends, your posse, your cahootin’ cousins, your blondes in the ’hood—and the first ones to jump ship when it starts sinking.
10 a.m.: Ask three different people if you can fire Mike Pence. (That guy is getting on your nerves.) Keep tweeting to ask people if you can fire him until some guy in Georgia answers, “Oh hell yeah, Bubba! Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle? Is a frog’s butt waterproof? Fire that sumbitch.” Then appoint that Georgia guy to the Supreme Court.
11 a.m.: Order Grub Hub to bring you a Burger King burger, fries, and a Diet Coke. Ask nicely if they could please include the Burger King’s crown with this order. Don’t tip the driver. If he can afford a car to live in, he doesn’t need money.
Noon: Design your own Certified Guaranteed Certificates of Security Clearance (with gold trim and your giant signature) and then tell the FBI to kiss your royal butt.
1 p.m.: Call Stormy Daniels and ask, “Was it good for you, too?”
2 p.m.: Give former Texas governor Rick Perry a lifetime appointment as Secretary of Colossal Dumbass. Give him a robe, a gavel, and a funny hat to wear at all of his public appearances.
3 p.m.: Prank-call Robert Mueller and ask, “Do you have Prince Albert in a can? No? How about Noco Lusion? Do you have him in a press release?”
4 p.m.: Help Sarah Huckybooboo Sanders’ glue on her false eyelashes. While in her dressing room, steal the last remaining tidbits of her soul.
5 p.m.: Ask Putin if you can have some of that cool poison he “doesn’t have.”
6 p.m.: Announce that the White House is not in chaos. You’re simply taping Round 14 of your new reality-TV spinoff called Hire All the Best People.
8 p.m.: Watch Rachel Maddow. Bring in your hired Russian hookers to pee on the TV.
See you next month, and remember: stop saying, “How stupid can you be?” Some people see that as a challenge.
This article appears in the April 2018 edition of OutSmart magazine.