Carving up your alt-right relatives on Thanksgiving.
You know, if Oklahoma sucked just a little bit more, it could vacuum Denton County out of Texas and we could stop fretting about which damn fool that area’s voters elect. Right now, they’re represented in the Texas House by Republican veterinarian Lynn Stucky, who talks about Jesus so often that I count the silver when he leaves a dinner party and would not trust him to be alone with my sheep. Hell, even the pope doesn’t talk about Jesus as much as this guy does.
You’d think the Republicans would have trouble finding someone more conservative than Stucky to run against him in the 2018 primary. They absolutely did not have any trouble at all.
Please meet Mark Roy, the Denton County Republican Party’s vice chair of veterans’ affairs, who’s challenging Stucky in House District 64. Roy has written on Facebook that Char-lottesville was staged, Arizona senator John McCain is a traitor to the country, and that the FDA is putting sex hormones into canned foods in an attempt to turn Americans gay.
So you’re not born gay, you just eat yourself that way?
And by gawd, if anybody knows about vegetable conspiracies, it’s the Republican vice chair of veterans’ affairs in Denton County, Texas.
On the other hand, I’m certain that I am not the only one who has noticed that Del Monte canned string beans have been vigorously getting larger and much, much lengthier. And, come to think of it, I did open a can of really sexy green peas last week. And you know how it is when you get a piece of corn stuck in your teeth? You can wear out your tongue that way.
Not to change the subject, but here we are in November. Good things did not happen last November, so everybody please do whatever superstitious thing you do to ward off accidentally electing a chubby, draft-dodging, Kremlin-approved con man who brags that he grabs women “by the pussy” and decides that transgender Americans are not fit to serve in the military.
What do the president and a Halloween jack-o’-lantern have in common? They’re both orange, hollow, seedy, and should be thrown out in November.
And since this is November, please let me remind you that the holidays mean family time—which is sometimes as much fun as detention hall in hell.
I’ve prepared myself for holiday dinners this year by coming up with a Top Ten List of things to stimulate conversation among Trump-supporting relatives. Please feel free to use as many of these as you need to really hack off your family—and if you have a video camera handy, become the star of the newest viral YouTube video:
10. “If the brussels sprouts seem a little too crispy, it’s because Uncle Bubba roasted them over a tiki torch from that white-supremacist rally.”
9. “Did anyone else notice that Trump added the words ‘under God’ in ‘Take Me Out to the Ball Game’?”
8. “Aunt Thelma, how’s that wall with Mexico going? Have those Mexicans been on time paying for it?”
7. “You know, this squash was picked by an undocumented worker that we brought here to vote Democratic. While smoking weed. While having an abortion. While taking a knee. While watching Jimmy Kimmel. Enjoy!”
6. “Uncle Henry, did I see you grab that turkey by the pussy?”
5. “Just so you know, I’m taking a swig of vodka every time Grandpa says ‘Trump was sent from God to save golf and the NFL, but not them foreigners in Puerto Rico.’ Please be warned that in a vodka stupor, I am apt to stick a candle in his ear and a feather in his butt and turn him into a damn centerpiece.”
4. “The crunchy things in the sweet potatoes are brought to you by the National Rifle Association.”
3. “The arc of history is long, and it eagerly bends toward screwing Nazis.”
2. Jump on the table and in your best Ethel Merman voice, sing, “I’m gay, gay, gay!” Even if you’re not, not, not.
1. Say nothing. Just wear your “Russians for Democrats in 2018” T-shirt, and smile knowingly all day.
This article appears in the November 2017 edition of OutSmart Magazine.