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As I am certain you have seen on Fox News (and in the works of great literature), the real superhero of Hurricane Harvey is former Houston mayor Annise Parker.
She caused the damn thing.
Republican mouthpiece Ann Coulter thinks lesbians cause weather events. That’s ridiculous. Everyone knows stupid people who don’t use their car’s blinkers cause hurricanes.
Coulter (bless her heart, y’all) tweeted that Harvey was far more likely to have been caused by Houston having a lesbian mayor than it was by climate change. Let me mention here that Parker has not been in office for two years, which I guess means that God has an unusually slow reaction time. (That explains why the Sistine Chapel has no paintings of God swatting flies.)
Parker was wildly popular, and she mopped the floor with her opponents so many times that they had to pass a term-limit law just to get her out of office. (All of that mopping explains why Houston’s bill for street sweepers was lower than whale poop during her tenure as mayor.)
To be honest, I did not know that Parker could cause bad stuff to happen all on her own. Hell, while I was watching the forest fires, hurricanes, earthquakes, and tornadoes all at once, I just figured somebody in Ohio was being forced to bake a gay wedding cake.
However, Coulter blamed Parker alone, and who am I to question voodoo science? I guess that means that Parker is the Weather Witch. (Fans of inappropriate alliteration can deduce that this makes Coulter the Blathering Bitch.)
I think I should mention here that we should not give Parker too much credit for her weather superpowers. After all, Houston’s weather is a whole lot easier to control than, say, Cincinnati’s. Houston only has two seasons—too hot and too cold. I’m exaggerating. Of course we have spring. Last year it was on a Tuesday. Fall lasted for a weekend, and it was glorious. We also have only two water events—flood and drought. So hell, Parker can control the weather by just flipping a coin.
However, I need her to display the power to make it snow in Houston just once a decade or so. And if she can’t, I guess I’ll have to take my future weather needs to openly gay district attorney Kim Ogg.
Through the miracle of big-time journalism, I was able to determine exactly what Parker was doing during the hurricane—other than practicing her newfound weather-control powers and trying to decide on a design for her superhero cape.
Come to find out, she was working for BakerRipley, the local nonprofit that was tapped to run the hurricane shelter at NRG Stadium. She was working her patootie off. So, since she was actually doing the Lord’s work, I think the blame for this disaster needs to go somewhere else. I’m just saying that governor Greg Abbott calling a special session of the Texas Legislature just so he can hurt transgender children might—just might— have been what really pissed off the Big Guy in the Sky. You know what I mean? That was pure damn evil on a stick, with a cherry on top.
Thelma over at the beauty salon told me she doesn’t understand these damn Republican fundamentalists deciding that the Good Lord holds animosities toward anybody who isn’t a white heterosexual Christian. She says she sees the “duh” in fundamental, but the “fun” and the “mental” parts are what totally escape her.
I have a few minutes left before deadline, so I want to tell you that Harris County district judge Steven Kirkland has announced he’s running for Texas Supreme Court. Those of you who know Kirkland know that he carries a thermos of justice juice everywhere he goes. This fella can stuff two pounds of work into a one-pound sack. His Twitter handle is @stevenkirkland. Go follow him and let him know he has your vote.
Now, go drink something pumpkin-flavored before you ruin October for everybody else. It’s not just a good idea, it’s the damn law.
This article appears in the October 2017 edition of OutSmart Magazine.