It’s harder than Chinese algebra to keep up with this president. Every day there’s a new scandal, and the old scandals keep getting worse. Last month, we slowly found out that Donald Junior’s Russian meeting had more attendees than Trump’s inauguration. And it had more Russians than Dr. Zhivago, with the Brothers Karamazov on the waiting list.
The way it’s turning out is that Trump colluded with Russia to find out that Hillary Clinton did not collude with Russia. Trump’s defense of his wrongdoings went from “fake news” to “I don’t recall” to “we did it and you can kiss our asses.”
In other new developments, Trump wants the wall between Mexico and the U.S. to be transparent, as in “see-through.” Here’s why: according to Trump, who visited the border for a few hours one damn time, drug dealers often toss 60-pound sacks of drugs over the wall. If you can’t see those Mexicans on the other side, you might get smacked in the head with a 60-pound sack of drugs. I am not making this up. You can look it up on the Google machine. Trump really said that.
Personally, I think it’s a conspiracy. I think somebody—and I’m not saying it was you— neglected to tell Trump about the annual Wag Your Winkie Day at the Rio Grande River, which is a Mexican national holiday. Or maybe they did tell him, and he’s just genuinely excited about it.
Trump has been in office for 200 days. He has spent 88 days promoting one of his properties, 53 days watching teevee, 47 days thinking about Hillary Clinton, and 12 days shaking grown men’s hands.
Texas is a rough place to live. We have 329 kinds of snakes, and 328 of them are poisonous. We’ve got spiders that’ll have sex with you, eat you, and then spit you out. We’ve got cliffs, quicksand, riptides, rivers that flood for no apparent reason at all, hurricanes, and heat that will take the enamel off a cooler. But the worst thing we have in Texas is fire ants. Those suckers are mean on damn purpose. Honey, volcanoes have moved to get out of their way. They have little “Wanted” posters of you in their mounds. I’m sure of it.
However, I’ve come up with some things that are worse than fire ants…
Why Donald Trump Is Worse than Fire Ants
• Fire ants would never wear a red baseball cap with a damn suit.
• Fire ants don’t have children. They leave that all that up to their queen. Did you hear that, Trump?
• According to ancient ant custom, fire ants rarely have a Twitter account.
• Fire ants build mounds, not walls. You can walk around mounds. Hell, you can skip around them while singing “El Sombrero Mexicano es Mejor Que El Pequeño Sombrero Rojo.”
• In their ranking of the world’s most signifi-cant events, fire ants do not include beauty pageants.
• Even though fire ants are notoriously liberated, when they collude they never collude with rain ants.
• Four words: No Sean Ant Hannity.
• Fire ants embrace communal ownership of the means of production and reject the inherent oppression of capitalist patriarchy. (We think.)
• Fire ants rarely blame Hillary Clinton for Every. Damn. Thing. On. The. Planet.
• Fire ants just sting you. They do not sting you, then call it a pre-existing condition and cancel your health insurance.
• Fire ants aren’t tall enough to grab you by the pussy.
• Fire ants do not promise that they will only hire the “best” people of “high quality” and then hire their spoiled-rotten kids and a couple of guys with a red-faced-bulging-neck-vein blog.
• Fire ants do not watch Fox News. Good Lord, they have to draw the too-despicable line somewhere.
• The only way fire ants are exactly like Donald Trump: they think with a tiny little brain.
In all fairness, the Trump administration has accomplished a few things. They made me get a Twitter account. They tastefully sabotaged the entire spray-tan market. They successfully made adult children an even greater liability than college loans. They proved that extra-long ties do not make you look slimmer, but they do raise your goofy quotient to Disney levels. And, lastly, they saved bunches of paper by not releasing Trump’s taxes.
Hey, it’s August in Houston—stay hydrated and do not jack around with tropical storms. Those suckers are almost as bad as fire ants.
This article appears in the August 2017 edition of OutSmart Magazine.