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Iwent out and bought myself a Big Chief tablet and one of those big-ol’-honker pencils, because I have kindergarten work to do. I am taking names and making a list, so y’all don’t have to.
Praise be to Gladys Knight & the Pips—the Texas Legislature only gets to meet every other year, and then for only 140 days, because any more than that would singe the neck hairs off of every goat and God-fearing man, woman, and child in Texas.
Right now, Republicans hold the double-down majority in both the Texas House and Senate. That means that every day we have to haul out the Constitution of the United States of America so they can beat it with a stick while the rest of us watch and try not to get splattered by their bucketfuls of sanctimony. Since it’s the “United” part of the United States that they hate, Texas Republicans do everything they can to secede from the Union so they can bring back those wonderful Wild West days.
There was an actual bill introduced that would allow everybody in Texas to carry a gun with no registration, background check, or license. You turn 18, you get drunk, you buy a gun, and then you vote—all on the same day. I suspect that’s their plan to perpetuate the Republican Party.
I looked all over the Internet machine for a picture of the Republican delegation to the Texas Legislature. There isn’t one. The closest I could come is this picture of french fries. They are all white, and they are all straight. If we could put little neckties on 90 percent of these fries, Grandpa would swear by his suspenders that there is no difference between the fries and the Republicans in the Texas Legislature. I don’t know this for a fact, but I’m pretty sure that the reason they don’t all get together and pose for a picture is that they’d start stealing out of each other’s pockets instead of your pocket.
Darlin’, these fellas are mean enough to eat bees while they go about cutting hungry children’s lunches at school. And destroying women’s healthcare. And ordering cities to be mean to Hispanics . . . or else! And then there’s the moaning and wailing and self-flagellation about public restrooms. (By the way, I have decided that Republicans should not be afraid of what transgender people might do in bathrooms. It’s what transgender people and all of their allies might do in the voting booth that should have them worried.)
So I am writing down these varmints’ names and, come election time, I’m gonna print my list right here in OutSmart, Big Chief Tablet and all.
Look, the reason we have to get rid of idiots in the Texas legislature is that they use it as a stepping-stone to get elected to Congress. And yes, I have a real bad example of that happening.
But first write this down somewhere, because it’s real important and absolutely true: nothing brings a group of assholes together faster than something that is none of their damn business.
Randy Weber is now the Republican congressman from Beaumont, Lake Jackson, and Galveston. He used to be in the Texas legislature. He is an asshole brigade. You might remember him as the guy who, in the middle of President Obama’s 2014 State of the Union address, wrote a tweet calling the president “Kommandant-In-Chef.” To this day, nobody has any idea what that means, except maybe he was not fond of the president’s Nazi Soufflé.
I remind you that he’s from Beaumont. That’s just right down the road. If “Ignorant Sumbitch” is contagious, you are within catching distance.
Randy went dead-solid-perfect off the rails last month and broke into sobs while giving a speech at the capitol in Washington Dee-Cee. He was praying the Lord’s Prayer, but when he got to the “forgive us our sins” part, out of the clear blue he decided to improve on Sweet Jesus’ version of the prayer. He decided to get real specific about which sins.
“Father,” he droned, “we’ve trampled on your holy institution of holy matrimony and tried to rewrite what it is, and we’ve called it an ‘alternate lifestyle.’ Father, O Father, please, please forgive us!”
Holy damn cow, y’all. That was Randy’s idea of the worst sin happening any-damn-place in the world. He was sobbing and praying that we all don’t go to hell because Hank married Bob last weekend instead of marrying Judy (because Judy was marrying Karen—so all in all, things worked out pretty well, in my opinion).
I am not making this up. You can go to the Google joint and ask for “Randy Weber crying over crap that’s none of his business,” and they have a video of it.
I am excited about Pride Month in June. The Pride parade is the day after my birthday, so I’m postponing my celebration until then. There will be glitter! Darlin’, my favorite color is shiny.
Happy Pride! Let’s do this up swanky.