By Susan Bankston
In the foreign state of Wyoming, where men are men and sheep are scared, the state legislature has busied itself making some decisions about the women-folk. On the surface, that seems like a real sweet thing to do, but it ain’t.
They have an anti-abortion bill pending in the Wyoming state legislature. The bill is meant to shame women who are having an abortion, because apparently women who live in Wyoming aren’t shameful enough. (I heard a rumor that they have to import shame from Canada, but I don’t know if that’s true or not.)
So in an attempt to alleviate their ghastly shame shortage, the state legislature has a plan to fix this crisis of un-shame. To improve Wyoming’s standing in the world of humiliation, they are going to force every woman seeking an abortion to have a sonogram and listen to a fetal heartbeat, although there is no fetal heartbeat present during the early stages of a pregnancy. But these women have to pretend to listen anyway, or . . . yeah, shame on ’em.
I have to stop here to let you know that 13 percent of Wyoming’s state legislators are hooter-toters. That’s right: of the 90 members of the legislature, only 12 of them are female. In the whole United States of Damn America, the legislature with the highest Aqua-Velva and testosterone quotient is in Wyoming. Seriously, in the male-to-female lawmaker ratio, Wyoming is dead-ass last. That, right there, ought to be enough shame for women in Wyoming.
However, even with that ratio, the president of the Senate felt it was important to send this shaming abortion bill to the Senate Agriculture Committee, which is Wyoming’s sole state committee with no women on it. The Senate Agriculture Committee will be making laws about women’s health rights because . . . well, dammit, moo.
No, I am not making this up. You can look it up. Women are now cattle in Wyoming.
Okay, so now I have decided to respond to this crazy-ass event with the appropriate agricultural terminology, so the boys on the ag committee will understand it: Bullshit.
Yes, boys, your eyes are all brown because you’re full-up to there with caca del toro..
It’s good for the soul.
Get out your smartphone, because you’ve got some dates to remember, some folks to call, and some websites to visit before Thundering Trump, the Monarch of Mar-a-Lago, gets us all killed:
• March 13 is Houston LGBT Political Caucus Lobby Day in Austin. They have people at the capitol in Austin who are so dumb that they could throw themselves on the ground and miss. Honey, if you get on a bus to Austin, it’ll raise the IQ level at the capitol 20 or 30 points. That should at least help them to collectively get their revolving doors to work. Check it out at thecaucus.info. Transportation will be provided.
• Got five minutes that you don’t know what to do with? Honey, I can keep you so busy that people will think you’re twins. Type 5calls.org into the URL line on your browser. This joint not only gives you a dozen things to get you mad enough to fight a chainsaw barehanded, it also gives you a call script and the phone numbers of who to call to complain. It’s free. You need it. It’ll help you let off some steam.
• This is one of my personal favorites: dailyaction.org. You give them your cell-phone number and they send you one text every day about what you need to do to feed a cup of misery to a Republican who is coming after you with intent to barbeque. (Yeah, like you need another reason.) Dailyaction.com sends you a short text and quick instructions about what to do about it. Or, you can text the word “daily” to 228466 and watch the magic happen.
• Thesixtyfive.org reminds you that 65 million people voted against Trump for president. Every single one of them would rather pitch a tent in a tornado than have him as president. This website gives you ideas on how to make a real difference.
• And never, ever, ever, forever forget hrc.org, because they are a diamond in a sea of slop. God love ’em.
Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at juanitajean.com.