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By Susan Bankston
Donald Trump hasn’t even taken office yet, and he’s already the worst president ever. Until the 20th of this month, he’s in incubation—you know, like Ebola or some other hideous disease.
Say what you will about Donald Trump (you know, like he’s a fascist who will pave America with smoldering piles of the decaying bodies of the poor, the elderly, and minorities), but to his everlasting credit, he’s making comedy great again. So that kinda evens the score.
To start with, Donald Trump is taking “daily intelligence briefings” only once a week, which kinda makes the “daily” part subject to whim. But “whimly intelligence briefings” might not be taken seriously by those countries with nukes that we do take seriously. He says that the reason he’s doing this seemingly zany thing is because “You know, I’m, like, a smart person.”
Wait, y’all. He thinks the intelligence briefing is something that prepares him for an IQ test? You know, like explaining Newton’s Laws or the water symbolism in Coleridge’s “The Rime of the Ancient Mariner”?
Just let me jump in here and say, “Donald, it’s pronounced ‘huge,’ not ‘eyooge.’ Also, it’s pronounced ‘I am definitely delusional,’ not ‘I am, like, smart.’”
I know why he doesn’t take the briefings: he doesn’t understand a damn word they are saying.
Trump instructed the officials who give him the briefing: “If something should change from this point, immediately call me. I’m available on a one-minute’s notice.”
Unless he’s doing…well, you know, the wild thing. In that case, make it a minute and a half.
Under Trump, the Situation Room will be renamed the Only-When-Categorically-Required Room.
The Doomsday Clock will become the Doomsday Calendar.
Trump’s subscription to Reader’s Digest will continue to be for one issue only, once a year.
And, since there’s obviously going to be changes in some laws during the Trump presidency, it has been leaked that the first laws that Donald Trump will change are the Laws of Physics. Those things are outdated bigly, and of course they have eyooge problems.
So, here are the Top Ten Laws of Physics Donald Trump Will Change:
10. The Law of Gravity now means that Jesus wants you to sit down. Kellyanne Conway’s Corollary:…sit down and shuddup.
9. Distances in outer space are no longer measured in light years, but in newly discovered Trump Tweet Time, which is now the fastest damn thing in the universe.
8. All laws of thermochemistry are changed to just one: spray-tan is forbidden to streak in summer heat.
7. Einstein’s field equations will describe the curvature of space-time due to mass-energy equivalent to the gravitational field and funniness ratio of Alec Baldwin on Saturday Night Live.
6. The Theory of Relativity will now mean: if you’re a relative, you have a job—screw the “theory” part.
5. Archimedes’ Principle of Buoyancy can now be used to explain the plan to displace 11 million undocumented immigrants, since that plan will be incredibly dense.
4. The Doppler Effect to be repealed and replaced with The Dope-ler Effect, which is the tendency of Trump’s appointees to seem even more scary and less qualified the closer we get to Inauguration Day.
3. Schrödinger’s cat: the cat is now most definitely dead. Kinda like your hopes and dreams for America over the next four years.
2. Hubble’s Law of Cosmic Expansion now applied to the wealth gap, since that gap between rich and poor will expand cosmically.
1. Newton’s Third Law will now read: “For every action, there is an opposite and equally goofy tweet/whine.”
And everyone has their own favorite name for President-elect Trump. I have a few of my own:
10. Orange Foolius
8. Putin Puppet
7. Der Kinderführer
6. Mango Mussolini
5. Don the Con
4. Herr Helltoupeé
2. Kmart Caesar
1. Prima Donald
I hope your New Year is filled with laughter, friends, warmth, and sparkly stuff.
Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at juanitajean.com.