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Sincerely Yours: The Insincere Texas Attorney General

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By Susan Bankston

I cannot believe that I am sneaking up on the fifth anniversary of sharing my sincerely held religious beliefs in the pages of OutSmart magazine, and I have yet to tell you about Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton, a man of insincere religious beliefs.

Shame on me, because Paxton is the reigning champion of the world-famous “How the Hell Did He Get Elected?” pinball game. And in this pinball game, Ken Paxton’s flippers are a little farther apart than most.

Let me start out by explaining that Ken Paxton is a Texas Republican Christian. The only thing less shallow than a Texas Republican Christian is the stream left by a Texas longhorn cow peeing on a flat rock on a hot day. Even then, most of Ken’s religion is in his wife’s name.

After the recent Supreme Court ruling that legalized same-sex marriage in Texas, Paxton issued an opinion saying that Texas county clerks did not have to follow that law because . . . Jesus. Then the Texas Senate filed legislation that would protect anyone who refused to perform a same-sex wedding if it “would cause the organization or individual to violate a sincerely held religious belief.”

Y’all, Texas Republicans have dug this antigay hole so deep that you can hear Chinese people talking at the bottom. Ken Paxton advised county clerks that they did not have to issue marriage licenses to gay couples if doing so is “contrary to his or her religious beliefs.”

There were homosexuals in Jesus’ time, but did Jesus say even one word about that? No, he did not. He did, however, have quite a lot to say about judgmental sumbitches who think they know it all.

Since Paxton’s announcement, I have developed at least six new-fangled religions. I invented the Holy High Spirits Church, where the sincerely held religious belief is that you don’t have to pay for white wine in a restaurant if it is served warm. I also claim the Pedal-to-the-Metal Congregation, whose sincere dogma is that yellow traffic lights are totally optional. And at my Greater Hope Bouffant Cathedral, the sincerely held doctrine is that bad-hair days are automatic excused absences from work.

Please feel free to join any of my churches and enjoy the lovely benefits of having these sincerely held religious beliefs.

Paxton already had 99 problems, so being a lawyer advising other elected officials to violate the law just gives him a nice round number of problems.

Glen Maxey, the first openly gay person ever elected to the Texas legislature, was madder than a wasp with two stingers when Paxton issued his opinion that county clerks did not have to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples.

Maxey, who now works for the Texas Democratic Party, decided that the best way he could fight Paxton was to file a complaint with the Texas Bar Association, stating that a Texas lawyer was advising his clients to openly violate the law. The best part of this was that Maxey got to personally fill out the complaint. Maxey contends that Paxton is his lawyer, because he was elected “to defend me as a resident of Texas and uphold the Constitution.” And that he pays this lawyer “$150,000 a year as a state employee.”

It was a stroke of minor genius on Maxey’s part, but as of press time, he hasn’t heard back from the State Bar. Thank goodness he’s not holding his breath.

I also need to let you know that we all may be having a schadenfreude overdose coming on, because, at press time, Ken Paxton was being investigated by the Texas Rangers for securities fraud. So here you’ve got the guy in charge of enforcing all Texas laws going to trial for breaking the law. It’s a felony, and he could spend life in prison as Stinky DeWayne’s cellmate.

Rumor has it that the Feds are also investigating him for federal stock fraud. Be still, my heart.

I will admit that even though Paxton is not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, he stands as a beacon of intellectual sterling silver compared to the other Republican officials in Texas. Honey, we’re talking so dense that gravity increases around them.

So keep your eye on Ken Paxton in the coming months, as his days are numbered and the Republicans still have so much hate to spread about gay marriage.

Darlin’, he is living proof that you don’t have to have a big prick to be one.

Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at juanitajean.com.

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Susan Bankston

Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at juanitajean.com.
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