Texans Sid Miller and Jonathan Saenz.

by Susan Bankston

A former member of the Texas Legislature and current Republican nominee for Texas agriculture commissioner, Sid Miller, has himself some powerful strong feelings. By his own admission, he does not have much knowledge, but, boy howdy!, his cowboy feelings run deep. He wants to organize a posse to play Cowboys and Mexicans.

Sid doesn’t like what’s happening on the border between Texas and Mexico. He doesn’t live there, of course. He lives in Erath County, whose motto is “Well, hell, we never heard of you either.” Sid Miller lives closer to Tulsa, Oklahoma, than he does to Laredo, closer to Roswell, New Mexico, than Brownsville, and a helluva lot closer to Wichita, Kansas, than El Paso. In short, he’s closer to foreign states than he is to the Texas border.

Lawmakers who actually live on the border aren’t worried about the refugee children and families coming to America. But darlin’, Mr. Middle-of-Nowhere Sid Miller is so shaky-worried that he can thread a sewing machine while it’s running. Bless his heart, he issued a statement saying, “I’m not a lawyer, I don’t know what the legal definition of ‘invasion’ is…but in this cowboy’s definition, we’re being invaded.”

As one of my state-representative friends once told me, “Ol’ Sid would have to study up to be an imbecile.”

Lucky for us, Sid has an idea to solve this refugee invasion problem.

He declared, “We should invoke Article 1, Section 10 of the United States Constitution. The last sentence of Article 1, Section 10 of the Constitution says that if a state is invaded or attacked, the federal government’s right to secure the border reverts to the states to take matters into their own hands.”

Now I want you to ponder for a minute—exactly which “matters” you would be willing to put in Sid Miller’s crazy-ass hands? Hell, this is a man who can’t operate a damn dictionary.

I have to tell you something else pretty disgusting about Sid Miller. He’s a cruel sumbitch in ways you have not ever dreamed possible.

“Miller, a rancher, received a warning from the American Quarter Horse Association last year for tethering three of his horses to the back of a trailer and exercising them by driving slowly in circles, a practice many consider dangerous,” the Dallas Morning News reported in December. Yes, I believe that is about as safe as skating on warm ice. Some people disagree. However, they couldn’t be reached for comment, because they were at a damn cockfight.


Miller offered bills in the state legislature in 2003 and 2007 that would have allowed the sale of horsemeat for consumption in foreign countries.

And Sid wants to go control the border? Seriously?

Hell, at least Mitt Romney just put his dog Seamus on the roof of the car. He didn’t eat him afterward.

Ol’ Sid spends most his days just grinning from his butt to his eyebrows and kissing babies, because he wants to be your next agriculture commissioner.

Go register to vote, ya hear? It’s important. And not just to horses.

Of course I’m right. You know I’m right. I’m like a truth machine.

Sautéing a cup of rightwing hate is the perfect recipe for unpleasantness.

The next Republican we have making news is Jonathan Saenz. He’s head of the antigay group Texas Values. He is especially vocal about the myth that homosexuals would prey upon women and children in bathrooms if we pass nondiscrimination laws.

He’s big on gay conversion therapy and is desperately trying to convince people that gays want to put Christians in concentration camps. Seriously. Concentration camps. Well, hell’s bells, they would be the best-decorated concentration camps you’ve ever seen.

That’s fine—Saenz has the right of free hate speech. I do not, however, think being virulently antigay is the least bit entertaining.

This, however, is…

Jonathan Saenz’s wife left him for another woman. Their divorce details are public record in the Hays County 274th Judicial District Court.

The divorce has gotten meaner than a hurricane with two eyes, with claims and counterclaims of mental instability. I don’t think I need to say who gets my vote of confidence.

They are also fighting over who gets the kids. Well, I, for one, do not believe it ought to be the guy going to the Christian concentration camp.

 Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at



Susan Bankston

Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at

Leave a Review or Comment

Back to top button