But the good ones control the flow.
by Susan Bankston
Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal, himself a Republican, recently announced that the Republican Party needs to stop being the Party of Stupid. Apparently, he only recently noticed that they had that affliction, which is kinda…well, you know, slow stupid. George W. Bush alone was plenty of proof that the Republican Party has been stupid for quite a while.
I will admit that Jindal is on to something, though. I think that’s a good suggestion for better living: if you’re being stupid, stop it. Maybe we should embroider that on pillows or something for people who are too stupid to remember it.
Bless their hearts, stopping stupid is an insurmountable task for some Republicans, especially those in Texas. They have taken stupid to the level of stooopid.
They believe the Earth is only 4,000 years old, and the reason we find human remains that we can prove are 200,000 years old is because God planted them there just to jack with us. God is kind of a jerk about stuff like that. He tests our faith with those uppity science books. That’s tough on the grade-point
They also believe that if you marry someone of your own gender, it magically bothers my hetero marriage. You know, like if someone in Dallas eats a donut, it ruins my diet.
They think that global warming is a myth created by Al Gore, and probably Jennifer Aniston, Marlon Brando, and Bill Gates. Thanks to Pat Robertson, they learned that freaky weather is caused by gays and, of course, women who have abortions just for the fun of it.
They also believe in freedom of religion—just so long as it’s Southern Baptist.
They believe that if you don’t teach children about sex, they won’t figure out how to do it. And since intelligence can be hereditary, there ya go—a market for our embroidered pillows.
They also believe that big guns are a viable and reasonable substitute for a small winkie. Which is really dumb, because everybody knows the only viable substitute is a bright red Porsche.
NBC News is reporting that Republicans have been meeting to ponder why people don’t like them. They’ve decided that it’s not their ideas that aren’t working, it’s a problem with how they say it. So, they’re going to work on words—nicer, better words. They are taking this job very seriously.
First at bat with this new language idea was Norm Hughes, a Michigan member of the Tea Party. Norm gave a speech last month about charter schools and said, “Charter schools have a higher percentage of poor families, ethnically challenged families.” Ethnically challenged? What the dickens is that? I’m a woman, so does that make me phallically challenged? I guess ol’ Norm realized that he couldn’t say the N-word anymore, so “ethnically challenged” came to the rescue.
The poor will become “people blissfully unencumbered by tough stock market investment decisions.”
They will replace “legitimate” rape with the rape of women who were “unattractive and modestly dressed.”
Even stupid itself can be “strategically excused from doing long division.”
Honey, this changing the language thing isn’t gonna help diddly squat. You can put lipstick on a pig, but she still won’t get elected Homecoming Queen. And, when you’re putting lipstick on a pig, it helps if you at least put it on the right end.
Republicans, it appears, have some more fine-tuning to do. (That, of course, was the nice way of saying they’re still stupid.)
There’s one other news item that I feel the need to share with you because it involves my dog.
I will start by telling you that not everyone in Tennessee is a terrible homophobe. Some of them are pretty good at it.
In January, a fine-looking pitbull-type hound named Elton got dropped off at a Jackson, Tennessee, pet shelter that euthanizes dogs. The owner’s reason for dropping poor Elton off? Elton is gay. The owner said that he had proof that Elton is gay because he caught Elton attempting to spark with another male dog.
If that is how these things are decided, my dog Truman is a human shinbone. He is also a squeaky toy, a table leg, and once or twice a particularity docile statue of a donkey in my backyard. On one memorable occasion, my friend Thelma hollered from the backyard, “Come get your dog off my leg. He wants me to be the mother of his puppies, and I don’t wanna.”
I could tell by the look in Elton’s eyes that he’s also a communist, pro-gun control, and a liberal television star.
Yes, the owner was indeed the dumbest man west of anyplace east.
Thelma tells me she suspects that Elton’s owner knew that Elton wasn’t gay, but this is Tennessee we’re talking about, so maybe he was just jealous because Elton tried to spark the owner’s favorite sparkin’ dog, and the dogs ended up preferring each other over the owner. Jealousy is a cruel mistress, Elton.
Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at juanitajean.com.