They’re all sold out.
by Susan Bankston
If the November election proved anything at all, it proved that I-Am-Woman-Hear-Me-Roar, marijuana is even more popular than previously suspected, and gay-gay-gay is fine-and-dandy okay.
Well, except (of course) in Texas. In his new broadcasting studio up around Dallas, Glenn Beck is warning his listeners to buy farmland and ammunition, which probably isn’t going to be a well-accepted plan in downtown Houston where cement and book-learning have gotten a slight toe-hold.
And then we have the Lone Star State’s own radio critter, Dan Patrick, Texas state senator. Because he has a radio show in Houston, Dan Patrick fancies himself the poor man’s Rush Limbaugh. And considering that all of Rush’s listeners live over at the Grumpy Hollow Trailer Park, Dan’s audience can generally be found living under bridges in Pasadena and really pissed off at the guvmint.
I am certain that ultra-right-wing Patrick does not have cloven hooves, but . . . okay, I’m not certain of that at all. Patrick resides in Houston, but he lives in Cabo San Fearville. And of all the things he could be afraid of—war, pestilence, climate change, Glenn Beck misplacing his ammo, Ebola virus, or the return of bell-bottom pants—Dan Patrick thought it over carefully and selected you. Yes, you, sitting there trying to look all innocent.
I’m going to tell you something that might be useful to you in the future, darlin’: Dan Patrick would not spit down your throat if your heart was on fire.
To prove my point, I refer you to Dan Patrick’s November 2 letter sent to Texas Attorney General Greg Abbott, asking Abbott to “determine whether the Texas Constitution precludes the ability of local political subdivisions from recognizing domestic partnerships by granting benefits previously only available to married couples.”
Dan Patrick is completely flabbergasted and morally offended that El Paso County, Travis County, the City of Fort Worth, the City of Austin, the City of San Antonio, and the City of El Paso all offer domestic partnership benefits though health insurance. What’s next? Bringing domestic partners to the city Christmas party? Is that what Texas has come to, by gawd?
Most shocking of all is Dan’s discovery that the Pflugerville Independent School District recently became the first Texas school district to offer insurance benefits to domestic partners. Oh-dear-God-no, there goes Pflugerville. If you cannot count on the Pflugerville School District to draw a line of sanctity in the sand, then can Waco be far behind?
Is Dan determined to make this outrageous domestic partnership health benefits juggernaut stop? Does Howdy Doody have wooden toes?
In a semi-tragic insult to irony, Dan Patrick says he does not want Washington telling Texas what to do, but he does want Texas telling Austin and the Pflugerville School District what to do. This proves, once again, that demagoguery is like kryptonite to irony.
I admit that snickering trumped irony when I saw that Dan Patrick signed his letter requesting to take away health benefits from Texans with “May God Bless.” He didn’t say whom God should bless, but I’d be willing to bet that he didn’t mean you, you domestic partner you.
I am glad that Dan gave his heart to God, because his butt belongs to me now. We considered taking him down to Reality River and scrubbing him with a Brillo pad, but then we’d just have to skim nasty off the river for a week—and you know he’s just going to grow some back.
Personally, I think God needs to talk to him through a burning bush. Preferably George W, but Jeb will do.
I know that the Texas legislature is about as interesting as an operator’s manual for an automatic boredom machine, but unless you want to see Dan Patrick grinning from his butt to his eyebrows over ridding Texas of domestic partner heath care benefits, we have to fight him—tooth, nail, and a big ole swig of real morality.
Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at juanitajean.com.