Small Favors

No thanks to Log Cabin, Rand Paul, and Joel Osteen
by Susan Bankston

As anybody with a lick of sense knows but is unwilling to say out loud, President Obama came out in favor of gay marriage to help heal the divide in the Democratic Party between African-Americans and the LGBT community. Republicans have been exploiting that divide lately, especially in Houston.

So, Republicans were less than elated when the split they helped create started to mend after the Obama announcement.

The reaction from the Log Cabin Republicans was akin to a backward sneeze. Instead of getting some foreign thing out of your body with a sneeze, they just sucked it right in. Not only did it look plenty funny, but everybody standing around said, “God unbless you, Sweetie.”

The best part was watching them criticize the president’s announcement. An immediate press release announced, “Log Cabin Republicans appreciate that President Obama has finally come in line with leaders like Vice President Dick Cheney on this issue….”

Oh, y’all, lookie at that. They could only find one Republican who favors gay marriage and it’s Dick Cheney, a man who is also pro-shooting-your friend-in-the-face-with-a-shotgun. How proud your mother must be! Cheney is also pro-torture, pro-war, pro-evil, and pro-disco-inferno. Okay, so I made up the disco part, but it fits right in.

Next comes Rand Paul, the senator from Kentucky where there are more horse’s patooties than horses. He decided to go for humor. Paul said, “The president said that his views were evolving on marriage. Call me cynical, but I didn’t think his views on marriage could be any gayer.”

So, Log Cabin Republicans, what do you think about them apples?

I am trying to say something wise, intellectual, well-reasoned, and calm about calling something “gay” when you mean “bad” in this day and age. I have settled on “Come over here for a few minutes, Senator Paul, Honey, while I hold your head in the toilet and flush a few times.”

Plus, I do not even want to know
how he got those hair plugs, but I must sweetly suggest it’s how he got his head up his butt.

And lastly, there is Joel Osteen, the big-haired teevee preacher who runs his church out of a former basketball arena in Houston that I call Six Flags Over Jesus.

Mega-church pastor Joel Osteen says being gay is a sin, but claims that belief doesn’t make him a “gay hater” or a “gay basher.”

Appearing recently on Fox News Sunday, Osteen told host Chris Wallace, “I believe the Scripture says that being gay is a sin. But, you know, every time I say that, Chris…people say, well, you are a gay hater and you’re a gay basher. I’m not. I don’t…I don’t dislike anybody. Gays are some of the nicest, kindest, most loving people in the world. But my faith is based on what I believe the Scripture says, and that’s the way I read the Scripture.”

How charmed gays must be to know that they are “some of the nicest, kindest, most loving people in the world.”

And how surprised I am! Because I have known some gays who are real bitches and not nice at all. I guess they didn’t get the “Here’s How All Gays Should Act” memo.

But, it is real sweet how Joel patronizes gays before he declares them sinners doomed to rotting in hell. He could have said, “I hate you and you’re going to burn in fire forever.” Instead, he said, “I love you and you’re going to burn in fire forever.” See, that’s much nicer.

But, there is an upside to this. If I
ever start a Patronizing Ranch, I now
feel secure in using Joel Osteen for breeding stock.

You know, I am dead-solid-perfect sure that there were gays during the time of Jesus. Yet, Sweet Jesus never, ever said a word about gays. Not even a hint. However, he had much to say about hypocrisy and being judgmental. As a woman of faith, I think Joel pretty much skips over that part.

By the way, I went to North Carolina for a week to help try to defeat Amendment 1. The other side brought in busloads of mean people from Freewill Baptist churches all over the state for the Get Out the Vote efforts. You’d think that people who went to a church with Freewill in the name might favor free will. Apparently, you’d be wrong.

Some of them were staying in the hotel where I was staying. They swarmed the free breakfast buffet at the hotel, eating like locusts and stuffing their purses with anything that wouldn’t fit in their mouths—which, admittedly, wasn’t much.

I hadn’t seen that many mean old women in dresses with knee-high stockings since they closed the K-Mart in Rosenberg.

I’m sorry I didn’t help much in North Carolina, but I met some great people who will Stay Calm and Gay On.

Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at



Susan Bankston

Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at

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