by Susan Bankston
With election time drawing near, it Republicans are stepping all over each other to see if anyone can outdo comparing women to caterpillars, making your dogs ride on the roof of your car, or not being able to recall three things at one time.
There are contenders, however, and here’s a few of them:
I Wanna Hold Your Hand (Offer Void in Tennessee)
Last month, Tennessee Republican State Senators approved an update to the state’s abstinence-only sex education law that includes warnings against “gateway sexual activity.”
The new bill amends the family life instructions bill to say that “holding hands and kissing could be considered gateways to sex.”
As you might suspect, abstinence education has not worked real dandy in Tennessee. According to a 2009 Youth Risk Behavior Study, 61 percent of Memphis City high school students and 27 percent of middle school students have had sex. That’s higher than the national average.
Astounding News! Not teaching teenagers how to do it does not keep them from doing it. Rumor has it that they can figure it out on their own using the potent unleashed power of merging physics with hormones.
So, to Republicans the solution is to teach teenagers to abstain from hand holding and kissing because – obviously! – that is what’s causing the problem.
I know there are people in Tennessee whose job it is to go around and shine flashlights in parked cars at night, hoping to catch teenagers canoodlin’. So now are they going to send the Belles of Heaven Republican Women’s Club to walk around hitting teenagers with a big stick if they hold hands? I, for one, would buy a ticket to watch that.
You know what I think? I think Republicans keep bringing up stuff like this just have an opportunity to talk dirty.
Being an idiot is a gateway to being a Republican. Or vice versa.
No Shoot, Sherlock!
A startling new study has shown that homophobes are more likely to be repressed homosexuals than we originally thought.
A research team from the University of Rochester, the University of Essex, England, and the University of California in Santa Barbara found that “[h]omophobia is more pronounced in individuals with an unacknowledged attraction to the same sex and who grew up with authoritarian parents who forbade such desires.”
I have three things to say about this.
So You’re Saying He Was Sober When He Ran Through the Neighborhood Wearing Nothing But a Pair of Cowboy Boots and a Coon Skin Hat
Politico, a major online political news site, has a new book out saying that Rick Perry’s use of pain killers during his Presidential run was the cause of his “often bizarre” and always stupid behavior.
Ray Sullivan, Perry’s mouthpiece and Dopey to English translator, responded to the claim thusly, “The governor has stated that July back surgery prevented his regular exercise routine and Perry officials have also repeatedly and truthfully denied that pain medicine was a factor in the campaign. Politico’s claims are false, unsubstantiated and ultimately harmful to the political and electoral process, and to the trust in the media that covers the process.”
Uh, I’m not sure that’s helpful. Sullivan is saying that Rick Perry was that dumb and bizarre on purpose. Yep, that’s our Rick – always cheerfully bizarre and dumber than a sack of hammers.
You know, I’m not a political professional, but I would have gone the “stoned out of his mind and so drunk that he has to hold onto the grass to lean against the ground” route. At least those things are fixable. There’s no cure for stoopid.
But I do want to thank Ray Sullivan for confirming what we’ve always said: Rick’s not on drugs, but you need drugs to be on Rick.
And One Last Thing
Harris County Democrats need to go vote in the primary election because smart people with calculators are guessing that only 1% of eligible Democrats will vote. That means your vote counts for more.
When you vote, do not forget to scamper all the way near the bottom of the ballot and vote for my friend Judge Steven Kirkland. He’s smarter than Rice University with a fifty pound dictionary and so honest that you can play dice with him over the phone. There ain’t no slack in his rope.
There are only 2 LGBT District Court judges in Texas, but even if all of them were, Judge Kirkland would still be the best damn judge around. His primary opponent has copied his signs but not his competence.
After voting for Judge Kirkland, you can smugly traipse down to the last race on the ballot and vote for Lane Lewis for Democratic Party chairman. Lane is holding that job now and doing dandy. Lane’s opponent claims that someone hacked into her ChimpMail account and sent out a homophobic email rant endorsing her. And, it took her 5 days to come up with that eye-roller. Even if her tale is wider than it is tall, if she can’t handle a MailChimp account, she can’t handle local politics.
You know the main reason you should vote? You’ll feel good about yourself the next day. And you’ll feel good about being a Democrat with Steven Kirkland and Lane Lewis on the ticket.
Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at juanitajean.com.