If You Don’t Believe Me, Just Ask Michele Bachman.
by Susan Bankston
There are some people who say that Michele Bachmann is not qualified to be president. Then there are other people … who live in Ecuador.
I immediately mute the teevee set when Michele Bachmann comes on, because the sound of a cat hung up by its tail outside a window trying to stick to the panes of glass with its paws is more than I’m willing to hear on my stressful days.
What do you do with a woman whose voice sounds like a teaspoon caught in a garbage disposal, but who insists on talking all the danged time? Okay, a needle and thread are out. However, if I were ever stuck in an elevator with Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, Sarah Palin, and Newt Gingrich, and only had three pieces of duct tape, I’d use all three on Michele Bachmann.
No, I’m serious. She makes me crazy.
Last week she signed a statement written by the Super DeLuxe Brand Christians that is a cracker-infested insult to all that is good and holy.
These Steeple People believe this junk:
1. Black people were better off in slavery because at least back then, children were raised by a mother and a father. Didn’t they see Roots? African Americans were sold and families torn apart. Michele Bachmann is just one bad mood away from asking them for their 40 acres and a mule to be returned.
2. They oppose “stolen innocence,” “seduction into promiscuity,” “all forms of pornography,” and support the protection of the “innocent fruit of conjugal intimacy.” I think that’s fabulous! It’s religious dirty talk. I mean, look at those words! Those words look like they should be over Fabio’s head on the cover of a paperback book. Hey, we could both use some extra money. I’ll write Innocent Fruit and you write Conjugal Intimacy. How hard could this be? Two hundred pages of seduction into promiscuity and stolen innocence, ending with one page of crashing waves and rocket blast-offs. We could get rich just off the religious dirty talk.
3. “Recognition that robust childbearing and reproduction is beneficial to U.S. demographic, economic, strategic, and actuarial health and security.” I am a straight woman with three kids. Childbearing isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. And don’t look at me that way—your mother says the same thing when you’re not around.
4. And, of course, the gays gotta get cured. I don’t know this for a fact, but I think this part is meant to drum up business for Michele’s husband, Dr. Marcus, who has a gay cure. As he was speaking on homosexuality, Dr. Marcus said, “Barbarians need to be educated. They need to be disciplined.” I’m not saying he’s gay, but my personal gaydar immediately went to Defcon Lavender.
The summer blockbuster action movie is Republican Wars. Cue to opening: “Long ago, in a reality far, far, away…” I’m telling you, she’s Darth Bachmann. Unless you look like her, think like her, and act like her, she has deemed you to be two shades more sinful than the devil himself.
Now maybe this is just me, but I just don’t think that Republicans need to be chatting up the marital fidelity thing. They don’t seem to be real good at it. The statement Michele Bachmann signed did say that the past doesn’t count, and you just need to stay faithful to your spouse from the day you sign it. Last we heard, Newt Gingrich was running around wearing nothing but a coonskin cap, some black high-tops, and a big sign that says, “Last Shot at Free Hot Stuff.”
Personally, I am waiting for Sarah Palin to enter the race. Babe, there’s gonna be more hair pulling than a fine-tooth comb on a three-dollar wig.
Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at juanitajean.com.