Look who’s slamming the Pearly Gates on the Golden Arches.
Guess what the Extreme Evangelicals are up in arms about this month!
The atrocities of Darfur? Please.
The reported 48-percent increase in HIV infections in the U.S. between 2005 and 2006? Wrongaroo.
Rampant teen pregnancy? No, again. There’s no need for alarm, now that Jamie Lynn Spears is officially engaged to boy toy Casey Aldridge.
No, it seems that Richard Ellis, vice president of communications for McDonald’s USA, recently joined the board of directors of the National Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce. By its own description, the NGLCC aims to “stay on the forefront of legislative issues and provide strong lobbying efforts for LGBT business causes and nondiscriminatory affairs.”
“I’m thrilled to join the National Gay & Lesbian Chamber of Commerce team and ready to get to work,” Ellis said. “I share the NGLCC’s passion for business growth and development within the LGBT community, and I look forward to playing a role in moving these important initiatives forward.”
That’s right, the gays have infiltrated McDonald’s. So by all means, sound the trumpet. It’s the End Times.
“By joining the NGLCC, they [McDonald’s] are endorsing a lifestyle we believe many of their customers would oppose,” Randy Sharp, director of special projects for the American Family Association (AFA), told Cybercast News Service.
“Once corporate America gets involved in promoting homosexuality, it’s just a matter of time until it starts endorsing same-sex marriage,” Sharp continued, his McMuffin all in a twist. “We are calling on McDonald’s to resign their position on the board of directors and not to renew their membership next year.”
“This is so strange,” AFA chairman Donald Wildmon chimed in, “because it’s the family that McDonald’s appeals to, [with their] children’s playland, you know, all the little toys, all of that. And they are promoting a lifestyle that would utterly destroy the traditional family.”
How’s that for a Kroc?
Apparently Mr. Wildmon is forgetting that more families are destroyed by the arteriosclerosis a diet of McDonald’s menu items induces than that nefarious Gay Agenda we’ve all heard so much about.
Admittedly, it is no secret that I love a Happy Meal. Happy Meals are largely responsible for the woman I am today. Specifically, the big butt part.
Second only to McDonald’s legendary fries on my own personal Happy Meter rates the concept of getting a free toy to emotionally offset the physical damage to my own arteries as they slam shut. Chest pains? Who cares? There are 101 Dalmations, after all, and I’m not about to stop at only 98. My momma didn’t raise a quitter.
If organizations like AFA can tell McDonald’s what organizations it can and cannot join, how long will it be until it starts dictating what toys its Happy Meals will contain? Will they start limiting the prizes to biblical depictions? I can hear it now: “The Plagues of Egypt action figures—collect all seven!” And there go our appetites.
But don’t expect the EE’s deific demands to stop at Happy Meal toys. Instead of a traditional McDonald’s Playland jungle gym, will we soon see a net full of colorful balls suspended from three crosses? Inside, will the restaurant’s ubiquitous wall murals be churched-up with renditions of DaVinci’s The Last Supper, with a grinning Ronald McDonald seated in the center? Will a Dollar Menu version of the McRib, the Adam’s McRib Jr., be available for a limited time only with plans to re-name it in November (c’mon, take the leap with me), the McCain?
How long will it be before Zaccheus Zucchini Bread, the What a Friend We Have in Cheeses Burger, or Fried Cali-Mary Rings are added to McDonald’s menu? Imagine what a creative holy manager could do with just a few loaves and fishes.
Instead of chastising McDonald’s for its inclusive policy of caring about all its customers, maybe the AFA should do what the gay community did a few years back. In 1991, Cracker Barrel restaurants practiced blatant antigay discrimination when the chain fired 11 gay and lesbian employees “whose sexual preferences fail to demonstrate normal heterosexual values which have been the foundation of families in our society.” Predictably, the gay community simply stopped stopping at the Barrel, instead opting to pack tasteful Ina Garten-like picnics when embarking on long interstate car trips.
It took 11 years of no homo dollars before the Barrel capitulated, finally adding sexual orientation to the chain’s nondiscrimination policy. So what if biblically based boycotts usually fail, like the ones the AFA recently dropped against Disney theme parks and Ford Motor Company? Maybe a few years’ worth of skipping a few cholesterol-laden Happy Meals might be exactly what those EEs need to clear their thinking, along with their arteries.
Meanwhile, Mr. Ellis and the gang at NGLCC could convince McDonald’s to increase its queer customer base by offering super-sized prizes in their Happy Meals. Like a Willie Wonka-like golden ticket to an RSVP cruise vacation. Or life-size inflatable action figures from The L Word.
See you in the drive-thru.